Saturday, December 23, 2006
Lighthearted Anyone??
It's late, and I'm exhausted, so I probably shouldn't even try to write, but I feel like it.

I've been battling intense sorrow every day. I've been hating myself, condemning, bruising, beating myself into a pulp... all for nothing. "You're selfish... selfish... selfish... you can't change... stuck... forever. You don't deserve what you have... you are a burden to everyone... sick... why don't you just die so that you won't burden people with this inconvenient despair? Sorrow is wrong... you are wrong... you should never feel sadness, look what you have... see who you are not? you will never be her!!!" These jeering thoughts attack me when I'm alone. I can battle one at a time, but when they all come at once, it takes everything in me and a lot of Scripture verses to remember...

Grace... Mercy... Deliverance... Freedom... I can't imagine the pain Jesus felt when He took every single sin upon himself. Imagine the attacks Satan hurled at Him... the internal turmoil He must have faced... as if the physical pain weren't enough, think of the despair He must have felt... unthinkable...

And to think that my beating myself up is to say that His death was not bloody enough... His sacrifice was not painful ENOUGH to change such a miserable soul as me. No. His skin was shredded, His dignity stripped, His very person was cast into hell to pay for my wretchedness. I will not try to add to that sacrifice. "It is finished." In Him I live and move and have my being. Through His pain I AM made CLEAN and WHOLE and GOOD and PURE... I am God's daughter and He has called me beautiful. Me? That's what He says...

Someone told me recently not to take myself so seriously. To laugh at myself more often. I think it was good advice. I miss laughing. I don't want to make light of my sin, but to recognize it, change it, and to laugh about my flawed nature seems so much more appealing than to sit in hopeless misery feeling sorry for myself. I hope I can learn to laugh again. I pray that God would restore my joy... that my pride would not get in the way of enjoying the LIFE given so freely to me.

"They say that love can heal the broken... They say that hope can make you see... They say that faith fan find a Saviour... If you would follow and believe with faith like a child." ~Like a Child~ (I've been on a Jars of Clay kick)





Friday, December 22, 2006
Oh Come Let us Adore Him!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."

~Jeremiah 29:11-14a~

Such great promises from such a BIG God... He is greater than my intellect and my human reasoning... so much greater. A huge burden is lifted from my shoulders when I read Deuteronomy 29:29

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that me may follow all the words of this law."

"Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." -Romans10:13

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

Rest... glorious, joyful, beautiful rest in Him alone. The love I have craved and sought and run after is mine. The personal, deep, everlasting love and grace that offers a wellspring of LIFE is eternally MINE! "I am my lover's and He is mine." Forever. It's so beautifully surreal and so painfully true... I was redeemed by Jesus terrible suffering, and He has won me over. He has sought me out... He has knocked and I have swung the doors of my heart wide open. Upon invitation, my precious Saviour has entered the depths of my heart; He has shed light on all the darkness of my being, and He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.

I urge whoever reads this to allow Him to shed light on you. Allow yourself to be consumed with Him. By His grace, through your faith, you are saved. Rescued from the pit. Believe on Jesus Christ. He humbled Himself for you. He became a weak baby for you. He suffered to the point of death, and entered the gates of hell for YOU. He did this to free you from eternal death and from the agony of a broken sin nature.

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." -Malachi 4:2

"Oh come let us adore Him,

We'll give Him all the glory,

We'll praise His name forever,

For He ALONE is worthy,

Christ the Lord!"





Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Worlds Apart


Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay

I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icharus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to give and die. To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache...

Can I be the one to sacrifice or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you- take my world apart. To need you- I am on my knees. To need you- broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me. Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart...

I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, and wipe away the crimson stains and all the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now. I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago, so steal my heart and take the pain. Wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take my tears. I've sinned and oh God make me pure. Take my world all apart. Take it now, take it now. Return the ones that I've despised. Speak the words I can't deny. Wash the world I used to know of all the dust and wash away... Take my world apart.... I pray.... Take my world apart...





Monday, December 18, 2006
Joy in small things...

It's funny what I think will bring great joy, and what truly makes me happy. Sometimes I feel stuck in a small box where it is impossible for me to see anything great or to be truly satisfied. Life seems mediocre from such a perspective. However... when I open up my heart and my mind, and allow God to reveal Himself in everything I do, I know I am on a great adventure... that the path I am on, though dry and arid at times, winds on for an eternity... and not an eternity alone, but an eternity with the closest of companions.

Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me. How great a promise! Regardless of how alone I feel, I am always with my most intimate of friends.

Eternal life starts now. Even while I wash dishes and do the laundry and clean the house... while the sky is gray and the temperature is cold. When I feel that whatever I am doing is insignificant and worthless, I am doing it all to His glory, and His glory will ring out forever. My small life may bring some other small life joy through His grace and abundant love.

Your small life, however insignificant it may seem, can partake in eternal glory!!! Are you amazed? Enthralled? Overjoyed? I am encouraged to know that this life is not about me. It is a huge burden lifted off my back, and when I remember this, I feel as though I can breathe again.

Luke 1:38




Saturday, December 16, 2006
Transitions

Transitions are really hard for me... I get used to a certain groove, and being in school doesn't really offer a consistent groove of life. After finals, everything just stops, and I'm left there thinking, now what???

Every time I get home from school I go through some weird withdrawal. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe I'm just weird.

Aside from that, I'm here, and I'm ready to be used for the Lord in any way possible. The more idly I sit, the more I struggle with despair. I'm convinced God did not create us for rest alone. I have a sense of urgency to accomplish something and to be needed. This is biblical too, because even before sin entered our lives, Adam was placed in paradise to work. I guess it's in our blood.

Everyone from school, I miss you already... be blessed and be willing to be used and to work for the glory we are so fortunate to participate in!!!

"From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people." ~Psalm 3:8~





Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Fly Away


I want to fly away. To grow out clipped wings... to stretch them out and fly, fly, fly away... Maybe I'll just drive.

Honestly, though, I'm tired of feeling caged in. I want so badly to be free from... from people? I don't know...

Being alone is not at all an appealing thought to me, but sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere and be in real solitude. My Maker and I and a sunrise. I'll find the spot all by myself and sit and stand and dance and sing to Him and talk with Him. I'll laugh and cry at once. I'll giggle out of pure delight at His wonders and sit in silence and in pure awe of His Majesty.

I'm tired of people monitering me. It's good to be looked out for, but sometimes I feel like a little pet that people want to take care of. I want to be fiercely alive. Independence is not what I crave. I will forever be wholly dependent on my Lord, and I do need the love of people around me. No, I do not desire independence but I do desire some fresh air...

I need to be challenged to live passionately; fiercely devoted to my Lord and wholly dependent and desperate for Him always... instead I feel coddled; treated as though I may break, or that I am a silly girl with a lack of common sense. Maybe this feeling is self-inflicted. Maybe I have been over protected for my entire life, and I am growing weary from it. Who knows... all I know is that right now I feel like flying away, but from what I'm not quite sure.





Monday, December 04, 2006
Hymn

Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own

Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide


Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee



When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign



Oh gaze of love so melt my pride

That I may in your house but kneel

And in my brokenness to cry,

Spring worship unto thee


Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye



Oh gaze of love so melt my pride

That I may in your house but kneel

And in my brokenness to cry,

Spring worship unto thee



Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee




Saturday, November 25, 2006
Living "Now"

I'm putting off writing an ethics paper... well I guess I'm prepping myself for it by writing a blog. Haha...

I find myself getting very sentimental around this time of year. Sometimes it's an achy sentiment and sometimes it feels like pure ecstacy. I've been feeling ready to grow up. I'm excited to live and to walk a path that is not bound to the expectations of people. I'm not sure where I will be led, but I am at rest knowing that I am being led somewhere.

The hardest thing for me is living in the present. If you think about it, all we really have is now. When now is painful, I have a hard time living it. I used to try to run away from the "now" if it hurt. I would run away in my thoughts and in sleep and in books and by planning how good the future would be... even by regretting things of the past. Lately I've been learning that "Now" is always a blessing. Even if it is painful. Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and through all of that... hope is produced. Pure, incorruptible hope. There is no shame in hope, because we hope for what is true.

I have a few friends that have been witnesses to me of this inconceivable hope through suffering. One friend of mine is battling breast cancer. She has not fallen into despair... not even close. You should see the light in her eyes... it is breathtaking. I have never seen so much beauty as in those who know what pain in life is and who are madly in love with their Savior. Love makes people do some crazy things. You can withstand a lot more when you are in love.

I am being lured towards God. His Glory is proclaimed everywhere I look. I have asked Him to peel open my tightly closed heart, and He has been doing just that. I press myself close to Him and gaze straight at Him in awe and with much adoration. I see Him in the eyes of others who are in love with Him. I see the hunger in people who do not have Him. He is becoming my companion. My loneliness has driven me closer to Him, and I am ever thankful for it. I will gladly embrace whatever affliction is brought to me and allow it to be used to bring me closer to the One I am living for.

Don't get me wrong... I don't enjoy afflictions. I don't beg for pain or pray for adversity. I battle with depression and despair almost every day, and it is not because I so desire it. Those things are a part of my flesh. Without Christ I would surely have been overcome by despair, but WITH Him I walk in victory. I have to lay this battle at His feet every day. There are mornings when I roll out of bed and hit the floor on my knees because my thoughts are in such disarray. Despair does come, but it flees when I look to Christ. Every time I look at Him and remember what He has done for me, depression vanishes. He is my joy. My peace. My love. My hope. My life.

"In Him was life and the the life was the LIGHT of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it." ~John 1:4-5~





Thursday, November 23, 2006
Rain, rain go away...

Romans 5 says that "we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

I am not sure I know the meaning of true suffering. I know the dull ache of monotony, and the sharp pain of a heart break, but neither of these seem to be true suffering. The latter is at times unavoidable, and may truly qualify as "suffering" but the first must be able to be avoided. One is unable to rejoice amidst monotony. I am not speaking about the every day mundane activities we all experience. Even in these, one can rejoice in the hope of the Lord. But true monotony... this to me seems the most dangerous mind set to become trapped in. To become bored, even with God, is life-threatening. It is to say "God was not enough. He could not fill me. I have drained Him as a Source, and have come up empty."

I have been in this place before. I don't think it is an uncommon place for many Christians to be. I have been bored with what I thought was God. It squelched my will to live. It stripped me of any purpose or meaning in my life.

Jesus did not die on the cross merely to give out free tickets out of hell. He came as a weak baby and offered his body up in a bloody sacrifice so that we might be restored into a relationship with God. God is not mocked. He does not need us to give Him glory, yet He took on death so that we might be able to participate in His glory. We can freely enjoy being in His presence. We are clean... We are free... if we accept the freedom.

I must admit... I do not know how to fully enjoy the gift I have received. I so easily let my anxious thoughts get in the way of Him. It's as though I keep searching my empty pockets for something to give in return for a beautiful diamond ring I have just received, when all He wants me to do is gaze into His eyes and love Him. I expect to spend the rest of my life looking at Him and falling deeper into the realization of the depth of Him and His love.





Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I held a baby...

A few nights ago I led worship at Heritage youth group. The youth pastor and his wife have a 4 month old baby named Isaiah. He is precious. I have never really known whether or not I was one of those people who is good with babies, but I think I fell in love that night. He snuggled his head right under my chin and fell asleep, and I never wanted to put him down... I can't wait to be a mom.