Redemption
She was a beauty made; fashioned and formed for a man
Knowing not the searing loss of the life that was made and the joy she had,
Seized the chance to become her own, swallowed a promise that would make her whole
The whole of life was swallowed up; the light in her eyes grew dim
And brokenness, and gripping fear ripped her to pieces
It’s a misunderstanding riddled with pride
She believed this was all about her
But who was she? And what was her life?
It caused her to die.
I am a lovely bride dressed in the purity of white and life
My Home created me, the promise sure, it will endure
His Word is true, and it stands for you too
But my heart, a wayward breeze, meanders towards the oceans of me
Consuming fire of self-absorbed praise burns me to pieces.
It’s a misunderstanding riddled with pride
I believed this was all about me
But who am I? And what is my life?
It’s time for me to die.
Whom have I but the Giver of life; the blood He shed endures.
The death he bore brings life to us; His glory ever pure.
His promise, it is sure; we’ll live forevermore.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Layers
This week has been one of the most monumental weeks of my life, but I'm afraid I won't even be able to capture it in words. It's too late to write anyway, but I cannot allow myself to sleep without at least attempting to express what is and has been going on in my simple little being.
The Lord is revealing to me His power and His magnitude. It seems I must have written this before, possibly over and over again, but how tiny do I make the God who is Creator! I box Him up in my simple mind, never allowing Him to become larger than my capability to comprehend. After all, if I can't comprehend Him, I am relieved of my control, and if I am relieved of my control, I am no longer my own god.
Oh.
Is that what this has been all about? And I am sent reeling. Yes, yes... the haze is clearing from my sleepy mind. The pain arrives, quickening my senses. Reality strikes, and a dull ache sets in. The horrifying fact that my sin is not simply a series of actions and behaviors I can change is glaring at me, staring me down with beady eyes. I've seen these eyes before, and they speak a thick cloud of condemnation over me without saying a word. I am sinking.
Psalm 73:21-23
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
2 Peter 1:3-4
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
The Lord God, our God is bigger than we know. His arms stretch out past eternity, and His glory is eternal. He has given us good and perfect gifts. His mercies are new every morning. He has promised to deliver us from our sin. He became a man so that He Himself might become our sin. The Lord God, our God is bigger than I realize.
It's really late now, and my eyes are closing, so that's all I'm going to write. I don't even know if any of it flows or not, but I just had the urge to write about what God is doing.
The Lord is revealing to me His power and His magnitude. It seems I must have written this before, possibly over and over again, but how tiny do I make the God who is Creator! I box Him up in my simple mind, never allowing Him to become larger than my capability to comprehend. After all, if I can't comprehend Him, I am relieved of my control, and if I am relieved of my control, I am no longer my own god.
Oh.
Is that what this has been all about? And I am sent reeling. Yes, yes... the haze is clearing from my sleepy mind. The pain arrives, quickening my senses. Reality strikes, and a dull ache sets in. The horrifying fact that my sin is not simply a series of actions and behaviors I can change is glaring at me, staring me down with beady eyes. I've seen these eyes before, and they speak a thick cloud of condemnation over me without saying a word. I am sinking.
Psalm 73:21-23
When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
I was a brute beast before you.
Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
2 Peter 1:3-4
His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
The Lord God, our God is bigger than we know. His arms stretch out past eternity, and His glory is eternal. He has given us good and perfect gifts. His mercies are new every morning. He has promised to deliver us from our sin. He became a man so that He Himself might become our sin. The Lord God, our God is bigger than I realize.
It's really late now, and my eyes are closing, so that's all I'm going to write. I don't even know if any of it flows or not, but I just had the urge to write about what God is doing.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Stripped
I often wonder whether or not I truly depend solely on Christ and on Him alone. I know the answer is clear- He is responsible even for the breath in my very lungs, but do I as a human being, having been offered this beautiful gift of life- do I really rely on the Giver of this gift? The glaring answer has become more apparent over the last fifteen days. Temporarily, I have been stripped of most things I depend on.
Graduation happened in a flurry of events, family came and left, friends moved away for the summer, and the man my heart has grown to love left with my best friend to float down the Amazon River on a medical missions trip for seventeen days. I am on day fifteen of the seventeen. All of this happened simultaneously. It was as if the Saturday and Sunday of graduation weekend were in fast forward, and when Monday hit, time stopped. I felt numb. No classes to worry about, no close friends or family near, no dinners to plan, no people to drive; only myself and the Lord; I felt so alone.
My emotions have been all over the place, and I have been everything from bored to literal tears to over-worked and exhausted since that day, but one thing has remained consistent. The steadfast love of the Lord endures. He has drawn me into the desert to be with Him, and though I at times fight or ignore His whispers, I am learning to let go of my loneliness and to sit at His feet.
It's funny to find out what I find my worth in. Time alone has offered me a chance to really face this. For example, I tend to be that "nice" person who over-commits in time toward helping the people who need it. I wear myself thin "serving the Lord" on a regular basis. Had I never been told about grace, I would be the one killing myself trying to work for salvation and forgiveness. The Lord would have none of that over these past couple of weeks. He has literally forced me to give up. He hasn't even allowed me to do much to serve other people- no one has needed anything. Prayer has really become my only means of service at this point. I think in most cases, that could be used as an excuse, but the Lord seems to have different ways of working in His children than we expect. He wants them to be healthy and whole, and He wants them to sit still every once in a while- more than I would ever think to be necessary.
I still feel crazy every now and then. I still freak myself out when I catch myself talking out loud to an empty house. I am still incredibly thankful that this period of time in my life is about to come to an end, but I will never forget it. I will never forget the conversations I had in prayer before I drifted off to sleep, or the silent mornings that I shared with the Lord sipping coffee and soaking up nourishment from His word. I will need to be reminded again and again in life, but for now, I am learning that my worth exists without everything I try to add to it. I am worth something because the Creator of the world says I am. He spoke my life into existence, and because I exist, I am worth more than I know. I am learning more about His love, and my need for it. And maybe... just maybe I am learning a little bit more about being still.
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes." -Psalm 118:8-9
"The LORD is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." -Psalm 118:14
Graduation happened in a flurry of events, family came and left, friends moved away for the summer, and the man my heart has grown to love left with my best friend to float down the Amazon River on a medical missions trip for seventeen days. I am on day fifteen of the seventeen. All of this happened simultaneously. It was as if the Saturday and Sunday of graduation weekend were in fast forward, and when Monday hit, time stopped. I felt numb. No classes to worry about, no close friends or family near, no dinners to plan, no people to drive; only myself and the Lord; I felt so alone.
My emotions have been all over the place, and I have been everything from bored to literal tears to over-worked and exhausted since that day, but one thing has remained consistent. The steadfast love of the Lord endures. He has drawn me into the desert to be with Him, and though I at times fight or ignore His whispers, I am learning to let go of my loneliness and to sit at His feet.
It's funny to find out what I find my worth in. Time alone has offered me a chance to really face this. For example, I tend to be that "nice" person who over-commits in time toward helping the people who need it. I wear myself thin "serving the Lord" on a regular basis. Had I never been told about grace, I would be the one killing myself trying to work for salvation and forgiveness. The Lord would have none of that over these past couple of weeks. He has literally forced me to give up. He hasn't even allowed me to do much to serve other people- no one has needed anything. Prayer has really become my only means of service at this point. I think in most cases, that could be used as an excuse, but the Lord seems to have different ways of working in His children than we expect. He wants them to be healthy and whole, and He wants them to sit still every once in a while- more than I would ever think to be necessary.
I still feel crazy every now and then. I still freak myself out when I catch myself talking out loud to an empty house. I am still incredibly thankful that this period of time in my life is about to come to an end, but I will never forget it. I will never forget the conversations I had in prayer before I drifted off to sleep, or the silent mornings that I shared with the Lord sipping coffee and soaking up nourishment from His word. I will need to be reminded again and again in life, but for now, I am learning that my worth exists without everything I try to add to it. I am worth something because the Creator of the world says I am. He spoke my life into existence, and because I exist, I am worth more than I know. I am learning more about His love, and my need for it. And maybe... just maybe I am learning a little bit more about being still.
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes." -Psalm 118:8-9
"The LORD is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." -Psalm 118:14
Thursday, February 26, 2009
His
I've been in such a sentimental writing mood lately. Spring is about to arrive. I feel it in my bones. I am anxious for the sun. Today I realized that I am my mothers' daughter when I noticed tiny new shoots of daffodil flowers poking their heads bravely above the cold soil. I squealed sub-concsiously and jumped up and down. How ridiculous. Mid-squeal I thought to myself... Cynthia?? Haha! It made me laugh.
I am learning the beauty that God gives His children. It is so enjoyable and creates an automatic flow outward. I walk through my days knowing that I am His dove and that His eyes are never lifted from where I am. He is using people in my life to display this glorious beauty that ultimately looks like Him. I love it. In reading some of my very old posts while copying them over, I started to realize that I have been in some very dark places. It is so good to be out of such a long and intense storm. I know not to rely on this good weather, but I am very thankful for a new perspective and a greater understanding of God's love. I know it has helped me love the people around me with authenticity I would never conjure up on my own.
I am learning the beauty that God gives His children. It is so enjoyable and creates an automatic flow outward. I walk through my days knowing that I am His dove and that His eyes are never lifted from where I am. He is using people in my life to display this glorious beauty that ultimately looks like Him. I love it. In reading some of my very old posts while copying them over, I started to realize that I have been in some very dark places. It is so good to be out of such a long and intense storm. I know not to rely on this good weather, but I am very thankful for a new perspective and a greater understanding of God's love. I know it has helped me love the people around me with authenticity I would never conjure up on my own.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Explanation
Ok people,
And by people I mean the 2 or 3 people who actually look at this thing... haha!
Don't be alarmed by the HUGE amount of writing I just posted. I was trying to gradually copy stuff out of myspace, but that was taking too long, so I just copied it all in here.
Feel free to read, but keep in mind, most of this stuff is really old. It was interesting to scan over what I wrote over the past few years. I've changed a lot and then not at all.
I mostly just put it in here for the memories. :)
And by people I mean the 2 or 3 people who actually look at this thing... haha!
Don't be alarmed by the HUGE amount of writing I just posted. I was trying to gradually copy stuff out of myspace, but that was taking too long, so I just copied it all in here.
Feel free to read, but keep in mind, most of this stuff is really old. It was interesting to scan over what I wrote over the past few years. I've changed a lot and then not at all.
I mostly just put it in here for the memories. :)
January 1, 2007- July 2, 2008
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
I Stand Alone
Summer is such a wistful time of year. You would think it would be this way in the winter when everything is gray and dead, but sometimes solitude is required in the most carefree of seasons. How much will I learn in this part of my life? As much as is required, I suppose, and I am thankful, even in the dull ache of things. Of course my words are over-dramatic. I cannot count the amount of times I've laughed and loved every second of it, but there is that thing tugging at my heart even still.
I think there is some sort of gravity in everyone pulling them towards losing themselves to something. Life is so beautiful in all of it's twists and uncertainties. I find myself admiring the mystery of it all in the midst of my tiny trials that seem larger than life. My small heart pulses and swells in waves when I am overcome with experiences. This morning I played with three little kids in a pool and watched them in their innocence. I listened to a dear friend's wisdom as she nurtured me with encouraging, yet realistic words. As truth washed over me and soothed my anxieties I was put into perspective. "You must learn to stand alone, Rachel. You will not always have the comfort of the people around you. You must be made strong by Christ and by Christ alone." As I heard these things, I felt I was being trained for the future. It seemed as though life was only just beginning and that my mind and heart were being prepared for battle and for tragedy. I am certain that this short life offers little relief, and my hope is thankfully not in relief, but in Christ.
Christ offers such a lovely picture, because He is reality, and is full of compassion, mercy, and strength. He stood alone, the Man of sorrows, and yet in Him was life and the life was the light of men. I am convinced that men fear the light because it is unknown. They choose to reside in utter darkness because it is familiar, and regardless of how miserable it may be, they understand it. Maybe there is a sense of control involved. I sometimes feel this way, tripping along the fringes of the light, longing to be swept up in it, but holding back for fear that I will be exposed, and if exposed, ridiculed, and if ridiculed, rejected. And what then? What will come of me if I am utterly rejected? I tremble in fear with this thought lingering in my mind until I remember reality, something I can't even wrap my mind around. Reality is I have been accepted as I am. I am eternally swept into the light, and to hide in the darkness goes against my new nature.
The Truth has set me free, and I am free indeed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
From Heart to Lips
"Whoever gives thought to a matter will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD. The wise of heart is called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness." Proverbs 16:20-21
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle tongue is a tree of life," Proverbs 15:4
"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds" Psalm 141:3-4
I'm finding that my perception of the Creator is revealed in the words that come from my lips. I cannot mask unbelief or a lack of faith; my tongue betrays my heart. "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10.
I can no longer attempt to be clean on the outside... I must be made clean beginning with my very soul. How? Is it not impossible? I am so often swept away by my works. I desire to be clean, and so I strive to seem clean on the surface. These works in which I attempt to gain the unattainable: perfect righteousness... these works condemn me! They lead to death, not life. Secret chains wrap around me and I am held inches away from the light. I am there, in the dark, straining towards what is good, and pure, and lovely, all the while placing chain after chain upon myself.
In order to be made clean, I must know the living God. I must step into His burning light, and even feel my sin burn up. His precepts are not burdensome. He does not set rules for me as a trap. He knows who I am and what I am capable of because He created me. He has shown me mercy and steadfast love. In His perfect love, He wills me to be perfect... the process is messy. In it, every speck of sin in which I am entangled is revealed in His light. There is no place to hide. He gently, yet firmly burns up my impurities with His righteous love.
His will is that I would enjoy His gift of love. He has taken the burden upon Himself. He bore my sin. He suffered for it, paid for it, even to His death... does He not wish me to be free from it also? His death was not in vain.
"For freedom Christ ahs set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not subit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Charles Spurgeon and some thoughts
"The counts are many against men, but this one more must be mentioned—many know God, but they never glorify him as God by submitting themselves to him, and yielding up their members to be instruments of his glory. If I glorify God as God, then I desire to obey God's commandments, to spread his glory, to magnify his name. I desire in all things to please him, if indeed I treat him as God should be treated. If I know God, and yet live for my own profit, for my own honour, for my own comfort, then I do not glorify God as God. Oh, sirs, when the Lord is glorified as God, we yield ourselves to his control without a murmur. He may take what he will away from us, and we say, "It is the Lord: let him do what seemeth him good." He may remove every comfort from us, and cover us with sore boils and blains, but we shall sit down with Job upon the dunghill, and say, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Knowing him as God will make us submissive to suffer, and quick to act. We shall feel the force of Elijah's cry, "If the Lord be God, follow him." We shall rouse ourselves to the utmost energy to serve him when he stands before us as really God. If we serve man and are faithful, we do the best we can for our master; but if God be our Master, oh, what service we are bound to render to him! What enthusiasm ought to be kindled in our breast by the belief that we are God's servants! "I am thy servant," is our happy claim, our honoured challenge. This it is that makes a man of a man, and something more than man. Oh, to learn this lesson, and to practise it! To glorify God as God will make us akin to angels! Even you Christians may feel that this is much beyond you yet, but towards it you must ever fly. I shrink before my Lord in speaking of him, but I desire what I have not yet attained—that I may truly glorify him as my Lord and my God." -Spurgeon, Knowledge, Worship, Gratitude (Romans 1:20-21)
Psalm 39:7-9 says, "And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish I was mute, I did not open my mouth, because it was You who did it."
Psalm 40:1-2 says, "I waited patiently for the LORD, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps."
I am consumed with love for my Creator because His love has consumed me. It has burned me up, and I want nothing less than Him. Life itself is entirely bland and unsatisfying compared to my Savior's love, yet it is so intensely enjoyable because of Him. I have found my soul at rest in the midst of whatever is brought my way. An abundance of grace is poured out, and my cup overflows with it. I am made vibrant with energy to serve Him, and to tell everyone I meet about Him. So this is abundant life... surrender, submission, even death to self. Recklessly I hurl more and more of my self down at his feet, and my spirit sings all the more beautifully.
His creation sings His praise. This morning the burning sunrise... amber and rose intertwining with golds, bore radiant evidence of His glory. And I in the midst of it, with my heart swelling with nothing but adoration. Tender new mothers with belly's swollen. Their children leap in the womb at the sound of His Name. Alive, I give every good and perfect gift back to the Father.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Be Still and Know that I am God
Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! - Psalm 27:14
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. -Psalm 62:1-2
My soul wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge is in God. -Psalm 62:5-7
Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him. -Psalm 37:3-5
I'm so used to living in America... the fast food, fast lane, fast line, high-speed, brain overloading culture that we are so emerged in. To sit in silence and wait for the LORD is something that I have been wrestling with lately. Silence... no computer keys clicking, no music blaring, no conversations circling, no internet screens flashing...
silence.
and nothing more.
When will you speak to me, Father? I often yell above the din. The racket noise of all my thoughts clanging and banging together like an orchestra of symbols clashes over my longing for Him. And I am swept away in a whirlwind, crying, LORD, LORD!
His words are gentle... His voice is soft and soothing. It is often much more quiet than the voice of the accuser, but when listened to, it is infinitely more powerful.
"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;"
Because He is what we long for. He is what we need. Our portion forever.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
stop and smell the roses
I was on my way home from church tonight with one of my dearest friends when we saw it... I'm a sucker for the sunset. After a quick U-turn, we pulled into a vacant parking lot to admire our precious Lord's articulate work in the sky. Pinks and golds sprinkled across blue fading into green and grays... a masterpiece.
"Have I told you lately how much I think about you..." the words of that song rang true in our ears as we loved God and enjoyed Him together. It's true, we weren't doing anything productive at the moment. We weren't in the trenches of ministry sweating it out for the Great Cause. For those few minutes, we were sitting in His presence, soaking Him up.
"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You." -Psalm 139:18-
The psalmist says "I am still with You." Infinitely connected and woven together with my Creator, I long for Him more. And because of this I am His bondservant. I will serve in the trenches of His will, existing as a light, groaning for the day when I will be wholly transformed.
What a joy to be pursued by Perfect Love.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Sarah Pierrepont- the wife of Jonathan Edwards
I found this short paragraph written by Jonathan Edwards in my Anthology of American Lit. It is written about the woman he later married. What a testimony of God's grace in her life.
Sarah Pierrepont
They say there is a young lady [in New Haven] who is loved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world; and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on Him; that she expects after a while to be received up where He is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven, being assured hat He loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from Him always. There she is to dwell with Him, and to be ravished with His love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it, and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind, especially after this Great God has manifested Himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to lace, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her.
1723
Jonathan Edwards
Sunday, September 02, 2007
I Boast No More
No more, my God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I had before
To trust the merits of thy Son
No more, my God, I boast no more
Now for the loss I bear His Name
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross
No more, my God, I boast no more
The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done
Yes, and I must and will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
Oh may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake.
Amen.
-Isaac Watts-
Saturday, September 01, 2007
My Heart Leaps...
Peace that passes ALL understanding? YES! In the midst of any circumstance? Oh how my heart leaps with utter joy and adoration. Worship the LORD. Praise Him for who HE IS. And can it be that I am not and shall never again be judged according to my own "good," which is as filthy rags to the King?
His blood is enough.
It is finished.
For while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
He Only is my rock and my salvation
Psalm 143-- my study Bible describes it as an earnest appeal for guidance and deliverance...
"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. In Your mercy cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my soul; For I am Your servant" 143:111-12
Father,
My thoughts are clouded with my own desires. I hate when a person is upset and I can do nothing to cure the frustration. Wisdom I lack. I will ask in faith of You. My mind is a raging storm of thoughts. I need You to calm the winds and remind me Who my God is. I must not be concerned with how things will affect me. My desire is to abandon all to You. To press on in the race, in my endless pursuit of You is imperative. I surrender my worries. I cast down my doubt. I hand You my poor attitude and my selfish will, and I remember that I am bound to You, and that You will not cast me off.
I want to love You, Jesus, because You have loved me... and then I am reminded that I am able to love you, because I am reminded that Your gruesome death has made me able. I can stand as I am before a righteous God, and His judgment of which I so often fear passes directly past me and on to You on that wretched, lovely cross. But You are not on that humiliating contraption now.
No, You are high... higher than the heavens. You are lifted up and all of creation is bowed down before You. You are great in power and magnificent in strength. You rule what You have spoken into existence with kindness and justice, and your wrath is poured on all that is against You.
My heart is drawn to repentance when I realize the gravity of my sin. I fear You, and then I am swept up in Your love. You have treated me gently. You have broken bones to heal them, and You tend to my wounds.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strenth,a nd my refuge is in God." Psalm 62:5-7
Friday, June 15, 2007
what a beautiful mess i'm in
It's funny how seasons come and pass so flippantly, as if it's an every day thing. I suppose it is an every day thing for everything to change... but for some reason I'm still not used to it.
Living alone is something I thought I would never do. I've always been needy of people around me constantly, and in fact, I still feel that way. In a lot of ways things are going great. I've got all the hours I could ever want for work, good people around me to pour into, enough cash to pay for school, rent, and food. I have been and am being successful at this whole independence thing... and yet I can barely wait to be finished with it.
I long for companionship. I often ache with a dull pain, and my tears seem in vain because there is no one to catch them in their hands. I have found that eating alone is a duty. It must be done to sustain energy, and that is all. There is no laughing... no poking fun at... there are no annoyances... no arguments. Only silence, and my occasional solitary voice singing whatever pops into my mind. I want a family to care for. The desire to be needed is unavoidable. I want to love and be loved.
This summer must be a time of pouring out. I must draw strength from my Redeemer. My Provider. I must learn to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself. I am painfully excited about this time of my life. So much uncertainty is bound to lead one to utter dependence on Whomever is Lord of her life.
Oh Lord, teach me to love you recklessly. Teach me to love people with an undying love, which is pure and radiant. Impute into me something that I can give and give and never receive, and yet have more to give. Keep Your promise that I will find you when I seek you with my whole heart. I hunger and thirst for You with every fiber of my being. Be with me even now.
Lord, I pray for whoever reads this. Be with the struggling and the weak. Be with those who have no strength to go on. I love you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
All Things New
There is something so refreshing about the word "new." The spring atmosphere brings the word to my mind.
"New" is an electric word... especially in the Word of God.
"Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in the newness of life." -Romans 6:4-
"And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience," -Ephesians 2:1-2-
A friend and I were talking, and the subject of sin came up. She said that we underestimate sin. Sin is not apathy towards God. It is not merely selfish pride, or wicked acts. Sin is hatred of God. It is purely wretched and evil... even the smallest sin. In my wretched state, I hated God. I was His enemy. He has a right to slay me due to my hatred of Him, for God is perfect. He defines the word "good." Take a moment to think about this.
Your worst enemy who hates you, and most certainly would kill you if he could, is about to die. He has done everything against you... he has lied to you, cheated you, raped you, stolen your children away if you have any... this person is murderous and deserves ultimate punishment. What would you do if this person was about to die? Would you save him? If it took your own life, would you intervene?
I wouldn't.
We are this murderous person. We have all sinned against God, and since sin is hatred of God, we are vile creatures, deserving only death.
Oh and one more thing...
We killed His precious Son. Jesus Christ intervened for our death. He took the blame for the sins of each man, woman, and child, and was punished accordingly.
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8-
New life comes through death. The Word says that when you lose your life, you will find it. I have never been more alive than when I died to myself and fully embraced Christ, who gave His life up that I might live alive.
Jesus Christ did not remain dead. He rose again after three days, and is alive today. He is beckoning the world to come and be washed in His blood. Have you been washed? Can you stand before God Almighty, knowing you are innocent because of His grace?
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Candy Cane's and Birthday Fun
I'm 20 now. It was my birthday yesterday. 20 seems so much older than I am. The other day I was combing candy cane out of my hair, hoping I wouldn't have to cut it out. I don't even EAT candy canes! When I was younger, I thought of 20 year old people as sophisticated adults wearing classy clothes and making educated comments about politics. I'm not sure where I got that picture from, but that is definitely not me.
I'm enjoying the process of growing up. It's just life. This is a sort of awkward part of life, though, I have to admit. It kind of feels like "no man's land"... like I'm in limbo or something. I wonder if the rest of life is like that. When you're a kid, everything seems so permanent. I guess when you get older, you start to realize that there's only one permanent thing.
Yesterday my mom gave me a great birthday present. She filled up my tank with gas, got in my car, and we drove. We drove everywhere. While we talked, we drove through places soaked in memory. We drove over the mountain and through little towns that I've known for years. We talked and drove and enjoyed each other. When we passed our old "house" which was really a tiny trailor (that seemed huge to me when we lived in it), my mom was remembering being a young mother. She told me that it's a very fulfilling time of life to have little kids and a new husband. I was glad she said that to me.
I'm so thankful for family who loves me. For the people who have seen me at my worst, and who would be there in a heartbeat the second they found out I needed them. God really had a great idea when He created us relationally. There's so much joy in love and in friendship with each other!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
This little light of mine
It's so late at night and I'm wide awake...
It seems like I've been reminded over and over again lately how GREAT my God is, and how I have absolutely nothing to do with it... I have this bubbly feeling in my chest when I realize that I am on an adventure. A great big adventure that will last forever... it's not always easy, in fact it's mostly too hard for me to bear by myself, aside from the small "breathers" I've been blessed with. Knowing this is partly what stirs up those butterflies inside of me... my life... this adventure that I'm on is too hard for me to get through alone, and that's just the thing... I'm NOT alone! Ever... never ever am I left entirely helpless and hopeless.
God did not rescue me from my sin and then leave me alone. I am not fed to the wolves! I am not even able to destroy myself!!! "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Haven't you ever wanted to be free from yourself? Your self-pity, your self hatred... your self-centered self? I have... I struggle often with hating myself, pitying myself, and telling myself I deserve better... Here's the most exciting thing about that... When you trust in Jesus, you ARE free from yourself! In fact... when I come humbly before my Precious Lord and repent of my sin, asking Him to restore me, and thanking Him for His endless grace, I am dead to myself. I am free.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
"So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." - Romans 6:11
"But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness." - Romans 8:10
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A Breath of Fresh Air
As much as I hate gray weather, gray trees, brown grass, and bleak temperatures, they've helped instill in me a deep appreciation for life, color, and warmth. There's that saying, "You never know what you had until you've lost it." Well, where I'm from, that saying rings truer than ever, in my opinion. Everything dies in about the month of October, and we don't get it back until May. If you've never experienced the color gray for seven months out of a year, you most likely don't have the same appreciation for color and warmth as I do.
Yesterday I took a nice drive up to New Hampshire to visit family. After a relaxing day of playing "matching" with my curly-headed cousin (who is four, and quite a whimsical little character), and monopoly with the rest of the family, I went to sleep and woke up for the drive home... the drive was exactly what I needed.
I love to have my breath stolen by my Lord...
Somewhere along my life I've become addicted to the beauty God has created in nature. Lately I've been craving some kind of a surprise (which is how I feel when I see a breathtaking view of God's design). I was driving home all by myself singing David Crowder as loud as I could, when the sun broke forth through the clouds. I was instantly surrounded by streaming rays of warmth, and I gazed intently at the molten fiery ball of sun that you're not supposed to look at (especially while driving down the interstate). The colors were vibrant and majestic, and the sky that was clearing became that deep, bright blue that I often long to see. Such a great contrast against the dead, gray trees. I was wrapped in peace and held by love. I could hear the verse in Malachi that I love, "The Sun of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings;" (4:2).
"Raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then I'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully I'll run to You." I sang the words and felt the warmth, enjoying and admiring the gift that had just been given to me.
Thank you Jesus for healing... for allowing me to experience joy, and peace. Thank you for love, and especially for grace... those words that I am only beginning to understand. Thank you for reminding me yet again that this world is not my home... that I am a child designed for another world, and that I will indeed live to enter into that world. You are my home. You are my Rock... the only secure thing I have.
"even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." ~Romans 8:23-24~
Monday, January 01, 2007
cliche's never help
Have you ever felt bombarded by Christian cliche's? Smile! Jesus loves you! Once you understand the gospel, your life will be solved!
Sometimes I just want someone to listen. I want them to weep with me and to cry out to God with me. I don't want their answers... I already know the answers. It doesn't take away pain... is pain wrong?
I am convinced that pain can be felt amidst joy... that it is used for a great purpose. I will not despair. He has brought me through storms and trials before... He will hold me together through another if He wills to do so, and He has promised to do so...
I want to worship God with my life and not with my words alone. I want to tell people who are having a hard time that it is not easy. None of the apostles had easy lives. They weren't taking vacations and planning for retirement. They were being beaten and imprisoned... persecuted for this faith... yet they so passionately clung to this faith... why did they hold so tightly to this faith?
There must have been something magnificent to cling to if they were willing to go through all of this gruelling pain... something so great that it was worth intense suffering. In Acts 14, Paul and Barnabas encourage the people who had just received Christ with these words, "We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." (14:22) These men knew what kind of tribulations these new followers would face. Paul had just been stoned until they thought he was dead... James had been killed, Peter, his brother had been arrested... these men were destined to suffer pain, and yet they were filled with unexplainable joy and peace that surpassed all understanding.
These men were clinging to the only hope that exists. They were filled with the only supernatural power available. They possessed the One True Light. Their minds were renewed... they were transformed into new creatures... these men were fully alive, and if you have something to live for, it is certainly worth suffering and even dying for.
There is nothing cliche about following Jesus Christ. All your problems will not go away. In fact, following Christ involves death to self. It hurts! But I can promise that there is nothing more freeing than taking up your cross and following Him. My life is miserable when I live for myself. I am empty and cannot be filled without my precious Lord.
In Romans 8:18, Paul boldly declares, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God."
The rest of the chapter is amazing. Through all this weakness, all this pain, all this suffering, "we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor prinicalities nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 38-39~
I will dance, I will sing
To be mad for my King
Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul
And I'll become even more undignified than this...
I Stand Alone
Summer is such a wistful time of year. You would think it would be this way in the winter when everything is gray and dead, but sometimes solitude is required in the most carefree of seasons. How much will I learn in this part of my life? As much as is required, I suppose, and I am thankful, even in the dull ache of things. Of course my words are over-dramatic. I cannot count the amount of times I've laughed and loved every second of it, but there is that thing tugging at my heart even still.
I think there is some sort of gravity in everyone pulling them towards losing themselves to something. Life is so beautiful in all of it's twists and uncertainties. I find myself admiring the mystery of it all in the midst of my tiny trials that seem larger than life. My small heart pulses and swells in waves when I am overcome with experiences. This morning I played with three little kids in a pool and watched them in their innocence. I listened to a dear friend's wisdom as she nurtured me with encouraging, yet realistic words. As truth washed over me and soothed my anxieties I was put into perspective. "You must learn to stand alone, Rachel. You will not always have the comfort of the people around you. You must be made strong by Christ and by Christ alone." As I heard these things, I felt I was being trained for the future. It seemed as though life was only just beginning and that my mind and heart were being prepared for battle and for tragedy. I am certain that this short life offers little relief, and my hope is thankfully not in relief, but in Christ.
Christ offers such a lovely picture, because He is reality, and is full of compassion, mercy, and strength. He stood alone, the Man of sorrows, and yet in Him was life and the life was the light of men. I am convinced that men fear the light because it is unknown. They choose to reside in utter darkness because it is familiar, and regardless of how miserable it may be, they understand it. Maybe there is a sense of control involved. I sometimes feel this way, tripping along the fringes of the light, longing to be swept up in it, but holding back for fear that I will be exposed, and if exposed, ridiculed, and if ridiculed, rejected. And what then? What will come of me if I am utterly rejected? I tremble in fear with this thought lingering in my mind until I remember reality, something I can't even wrap my mind around. Reality is I have been accepted as I am. I am eternally swept into the light, and to hide in the darkness goes against my new nature.
The Truth has set me free, and I am free indeed.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
From Heart to Lips
"Whoever gives thought to a matter will discover good, and blessed is he who trusts in the LORD. The wise of heart is called discerning and sweetness of speech increases persuasiveness." Proverbs 16:20-21
"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1
"A gentle tongue is a tree of life," Proverbs 15:4
"Set a guard, O LORD, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Do not let my heart incline to any evil, to busy myself with wicked deeds" Psalm 141:3-4
I'm finding that my perception of the Creator is revealed in the words that come from my lips. I cannot mask unbelief or a lack of faith; my tongue betrays my heart. "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10.
I can no longer attempt to be clean on the outside... I must be made clean beginning with my very soul. How? Is it not impossible? I am so often swept away by my works. I desire to be clean, and so I strive to seem clean on the surface. These works in which I attempt to gain the unattainable: perfect righteousness... these works condemn me! They lead to death, not life. Secret chains wrap around me and I am held inches away from the light. I am there, in the dark, straining towards what is good, and pure, and lovely, all the while placing chain after chain upon myself.
In order to be made clean, I must know the living God. I must step into His burning light, and even feel my sin burn up. His precepts are not burdensome. He does not set rules for me as a trap. He knows who I am and what I am capable of because He created me. He has shown me mercy and steadfast love. In His perfect love, He wills me to be perfect... the process is messy. In it, every speck of sin in which I am entangled is revealed in His light. There is no place to hide. He gently, yet firmly burns up my impurities with His righteous love.
His will is that I would enjoy His gift of love. He has taken the burden upon Himself. He bore my sin. He suffered for it, paid for it, even to His death... does He not wish me to be free from it also? His death was not in vain.
"For freedom Christ ahs set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not subit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Charles Spurgeon and some thoughts
"The counts are many against men, but this one more must be mentioned—many know God, but they never glorify him as God by submitting themselves to him, and yielding up their members to be instruments of his glory. If I glorify God as God, then I desire to obey God's commandments, to spread his glory, to magnify his name. I desire in all things to please him, if indeed I treat him as God should be treated. If I know God, and yet live for my own profit, for my own honour, for my own comfort, then I do not glorify God as God. Oh, sirs, when the Lord is glorified as God, we yield ourselves to his control without a murmur. He may take what he will away from us, and we say, "It is the Lord: let him do what seemeth him good." He may remove every comfort from us, and cover us with sore boils and blains, but we shall sit down with Job upon the dunghill, and say, "The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." Knowing him as God will make us submissive to suffer, and quick to act. We shall feel the force of Elijah's cry, "If the Lord be God, follow him." We shall rouse ourselves to the utmost energy to serve him when he stands before us as really God. If we serve man and are faithful, we do the best we can for our master; but if God be our Master, oh, what service we are bound to render to him! What enthusiasm ought to be kindled in our breast by the belief that we are God's servants! "I am thy servant," is our happy claim, our honoured challenge. This it is that makes a man of a man, and something more than man. Oh, to learn this lesson, and to practise it! To glorify God as God will make us akin to angels! Even you Christians may feel that this is much beyond you yet, but towards it you must ever fly. I shrink before my Lord in speaking of him, but I desire what I have not yet attained—that I may truly glorify him as my Lord and my God." -Spurgeon, Knowledge, Worship, Gratitude (Romans 1:20-21)
Psalm 39:7-9 says, "And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish I was mute, I did not open my mouth, because it was You who did it."
Psalm 40:1-2 says, "I waited patiently for the LORD, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps."
I am consumed with love for my Creator because His love has consumed me. It has burned me up, and I want nothing less than Him. Life itself is entirely bland and unsatisfying compared to my Savior's love, yet it is so intensely enjoyable because of Him. I have found my soul at rest in the midst of whatever is brought my way. An abundance of grace is poured out, and my cup overflows with it. I am made vibrant with energy to serve Him, and to tell everyone I meet about Him. So this is abundant life... surrender, submission, even death to self. Recklessly I hurl more and more of my self down at his feet, and my spirit sings all the more beautifully.
His creation sings His praise. This morning the burning sunrise... amber and rose intertwining with golds, bore radiant evidence of His glory. And I in the midst of it, with my heart swelling with nothing but adoration. Tender new mothers with belly's swollen. Their children leap in the womb at the sound of His Name. Alive, I give every good and perfect gift back to the Father.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Be Still and Know that I am God
Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD! - Psalm 27:14
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. -Psalm 62:1-2
My soul wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge is in God. -Psalm 62:5-7
Trust in the LORD, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness. Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, Trust also in Him, And He shall bring it to pass. He shall bring forth your righteousness as the light, And your justice as the noonday. Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him. -Psalm 37:3-5
I'm so used to living in America... the fast food, fast lane, fast line, high-speed, brain overloading culture that we are so emerged in. To sit in silence and wait for the LORD is something that I have been wrestling with lately. Silence... no computer keys clicking, no music blaring, no conversations circling, no internet screens flashing...
silence.
and nothing more.
When will you speak to me, Father? I often yell above the din. The racket noise of all my thoughts clanging and banging together like an orchestra of symbols clashes over my longing for Him. And I am swept away in a whirlwind, crying, LORD, LORD!
His words are gentle... His voice is soft and soothing. It is often much more quiet than the voice of the accuser, but when listened to, it is infinitely more powerful.
"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him;"
Because He is what we long for. He is what we need. Our portion forever.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
stop and smell the roses
I was on my way home from church tonight with one of my dearest friends when we saw it... I'm a sucker for the sunset. After a quick U-turn, we pulled into a vacant parking lot to admire our precious Lord's articulate work in the sky. Pinks and golds sprinkled across blue fading into green and grays... a masterpiece.
"Have I told you lately how much I think about you..." the words of that song rang true in our ears as we loved God and enjoyed Him together. It's true, we weren't doing anything productive at the moment. We weren't in the trenches of ministry sweating it out for the Great Cause. For those few minutes, we were sitting in His presence, soaking Him up.
"How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; When I awake, I am still with You." -Psalm 139:18-
The psalmist says "I am still with You." Infinitely connected and woven together with my Creator, I long for Him more. And because of this I am His bondservant. I will serve in the trenches of His will, existing as a light, groaning for the day when I will be wholly transformed.
What a joy to be pursued by Perfect Love.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Sarah Pierrepont- the wife of Jonathan Edwards
I found this short paragraph written by Jonathan Edwards in my Anthology of American Lit. It is written about the woman he later married. What a testimony of God's grace in her life.
Sarah Pierrepont
They say there is a young lady [in New Haven] who is loved of that Great Being, who made and rules the world; and that there are certain seasons in which this Great Being, in some way or other invisible, comes to her and fills her mind with exceeding sweet delight; and that she hardly cares for anything, except to meditate on Him; that she expects after a while to be received up where He is, to be raised up out of the world and caught up into heaven, being assured hat He loves her too well to let her remain at a distance from Him always. There she is to dwell with Him, and to be ravished with His love and delight forever. Therefore, if you present all the world before her, with the richest of its treasures, she disregards it, and cares not for it, and is unmindful of any pain or affliction. She has a strange sweetness in her mind and singular purity in her affections; is most just and conscientious in all her conduct; and you could not persuade her to do anything wrong or sinful, if you would give her all the world, lest she should offend this Great Being. She is of a wonderful sweetness, calmness, and universal benevolence of mind, especially after this Great God has manifested Himself to her mind. She will sometimes go about from place to lace, singing sweetly; and seems to be always full of joy and pleasure; and no one knows for what. She loves to be alone, walking in the fields and groves, and seems to have someone invisible always conversing with her.
1723
Jonathan Edwards
Sunday, September 02, 2007
I Boast No More
No more, my God, I boast no more
Of all the duties I have done
I quit the hopes I had before
To trust the merits of thy Son
No more, my God, I boast no more
Now for the loss I bear His Name
What was my gain I count my loss
My former pride I call my shame
And nail my glory to His cross
No more, my God, I boast no more
The best obedience of my hands
Dares not appear before thy throne
But faith can answer Thy demands
By pleading what my Lord has done
Yes, and I must and will esteem
All things but loss for Jesus' sake
Oh may my soul be found in Him
And of His righteousness partake.
Amen.
-Isaac Watts-
Saturday, September 01, 2007
My Heart Leaps...
Peace that passes ALL understanding? YES! In the midst of any circumstance? Oh how my heart leaps with utter joy and adoration. Worship the LORD. Praise Him for who HE IS. And can it be that I am not and shall never again be judged according to my own "good," which is as filthy rags to the King?
His blood is enough.
It is finished.
For while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
He Only is my rock and my salvation
Psalm 143-- my study Bible describes it as an earnest appeal for guidance and deliverance...
"Revive me, O Lord, for Your name's sake! For Your righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble. In Your mercy cut off my enemies and destroy all those who afflict my soul; For I am Your servant" 143:111-12
Father,
My thoughts are clouded with my own desires. I hate when a person is upset and I can do nothing to cure the frustration. Wisdom I lack. I will ask in faith of You. My mind is a raging storm of thoughts. I need You to calm the winds and remind me Who my God is. I must not be concerned with how things will affect me. My desire is to abandon all to You. To press on in the race, in my endless pursuit of You is imperative. I surrender my worries. I cast down my doubt. I hand You my poor attitude and my selfish will, and I remember that I am bound to You, and that You will not cast me off.
I want to love You, Jesus, because You have loved me... and then I am reminded that I am able to love you, because I am reminded that Your gruesome death has made me able. I can stand as I am before a righteous God, and His judgment of which I so often fear passes directly past me and on to You on that wretched, lovely cross. But You are not on that humiliating contraption now.
No, You are high... higher than the heavens. You are lifted up and all of creation is bowed down before You. You are great in power and magnificent in strength. You rule what You have spoken into existence with kindness and justice, and your wrath is poured on all that is against You.
My heart is drawn to repentance when I realize the gravity of my sin. I fear You, and then I am swept up in Your love. You have treated me gently. You have broken bones to heal them, and You tend to my wounds.
"My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; the rock of my strenth,a nd my refuge is in God." Psalm 62:5-7
Friday, June 15, 2007
what a beautiful mess i'm in
It's funny how seasons come and pass so flippantly, as if it's an every day thing. I suppose it is an every day thing for everything to change... but for some reason I'm still not used to it.
Living alone is something I thought I would never do. I've always been needy of people around me constantly, and in fact, I still feel that way. In a lot of ways things are going great. I've got all the hours I could ever want for work, good people around me to pour into, enough cash to pay for school, rent, and food. I have been and am being successful at this whole independence thing... and yet I can barely wait to be finished with it.
I long for companionship. I often ache with a dull pain, and my tears seem in vain because there is no one to catch them in their hands. I have found that eating alone is a duty. It must be done to sustain energy, and that is all. There is no laughing... no poking fun at... there are no annoyances... no arguments. Only silence, and my occasional solitary voice singing whatever pops into my mind. I want a family to care for. The desire to be needed is unavoidable. I want to love and be loved.
This summer must be a time of pouring out. I must draw strength from my Redeemer. My Provider. I must learn to be content in whatever circumstance I find myself. I am painfully excited about this time of my life. So much uncertainty is bound to lead one to utter dependence on Whomever is Lord of her life.
Oh Lord, teach me to love you recklessly. Teach me to love people with an undying love, which is pure and radiant. Impute into me something that I can give and give and never receive, and yet have more to give. Keep Your promise that I will find you when I seek you with my whole heart. I hunger and thirst for You with every fiber of my being. Be with me even now.
Lord, I pray for whoever reads this. Be with the struggling and the weak. Be with those who have no strength to go on. I love you.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
All Things New
There is something so refreshing about the word "new." The spring atmosphere brings the word to my mind.
"New" is an electric word... especially in the Word of God.
"Therefore we were buried with Him through baptism into death, that just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in the newness of life." -Romans 6:4-
"And you He made alive, who were dead in trespasses and sins, in which you once walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit who now works in the sons of disobedience," -Ephesians 2:1-2-
A friend and I were talking, and the subject of sin came up. She said that we underestimate sin. Sin is not apathy towards God. It is not merely selfish pride, or wicked acts. Sin is hatred of God. It is purely wretched and evil... even the smallest sin. In my wretched state, I hated God. I was His enemy. He has a right to slay me due to my hatred of Him, for God is perfect. He defines the word "good." Take a moment to think about this.
Your worst enemy who hates you, and most certainly would kill you if he could, is about to die. He has done everything against you... he has lied to you, cheated you, raped you, stolen your children away if you have any... this person is murderous and deserves ultimate punishment. What would you do if this person was about to die? Would you save him? If it took your own life, would you intervene?
I wouldn't.
We are this murderous person. We have all sinned against God, and since sin is hatred of God, we are vile creatures, deserving only death.
Oh and one more thing...
We killed His precious Son. Jesus Christ intervened for our death. He took the blame for the sins of each man, woman, and child, and was punished accordingly.
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." -Romans 5:8-
New life comes through death. The Word says that when you lose your life, you will find it. I have never been more alive than when I died to myself and fully embraced Christ, who gave His life up that I might live alive.
Jesus Christ did not remain dead. He rose again after three days, and is alive today. He is beckoning the world to come and be washed in His blood. Have you been washed? Can you stand before God Almighty, knowing you are innocent because of His grace?
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Candy Cane's and Birthday Fun
I'm 20 now. It was my birthday yesterday. 20 seems so much older than I am. The other day I was combing candy cane out of my hair, hoping I wouldn't have to cut it out. I don't even EAT candy canes! When I was younger, I thought of 20 year old people as sophisticated adults wearing classy clothes and making educated comments about politics. I'm not sure where I got that picture from, but that is definitely not me.
I'm enjoying the process of growing up. It's just life. This is a sort of awkward part of life, though, I have to admit. It kind of feels like "no man's land"... like I'm in limbo or something. I wonder if the rest of life is like that. When you're a kid, everything seems so permanent. I guess when you get older, you start to realize that there's only one permanent thing.
Yesterday my mom gave me a great birthday present. She filled up my tank with gas, got in my car, and we drove. We drove everywhere. While we talked, we drove through places soaked in memory. We drove over the mountain and through little towns that I've known for years. We talked and drove and enjoyed each other. When we passed our old "house" which was really a tiny trailor (that seemed huge to me when we lived in it), my mom was remembering being a young mother. She told me that it's a very fulfilling time of life to have little kids and a new husband. I was glad she said that to me.
I'm so thankful for family who loves me. For the people who have seen me at my worst, and who would be there in a heartbeat the second they found out I needed them. God really had a great idea when He created us relationally. There's so much joy in love and in friendship with each other!
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
This little light of mine
It's so late at night and I'm wide awake...
It seems like I've been reminded over and over again lately how GREAT my God is, and how I have absolutely nothing to do with it... I have this bubbly feeling in my chest when I realize that I am on an adventure. A great big adventure that will last forever... it's not always easy, in fact it's mostly too hard for me to bear by myself, aside from the small "breathers" I've been blessed with. Knowing this is partly what stirs up those butterflies inside of me... my life... this adventure that I'm on is too hard for me to get through alone, and that's just the thing... I'm NOT alone! Ever... never ever am I left entirely helpless and hopeless.
God did not rescue me from my sin and then leave me alone. I am not fed to the wolves! I am not even able to destroy myself!!! "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Haven't you ever wanted to be free from yourself? Your self-pity, your self hatred... your self-centered self? I have... I struggle often with hating myself, pitying myself, and telling myself I deserve better... Here's the most exciting thing about that... When you trust in Jesus, you ARE free from yourself! In fact... when I come humbly before my Precious Lord and repent of my sin, asking Him to restore me, and thanking Him for His endless grace, I am dead to myself. I am free.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." -Philippians 4:6-7
"So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus." - Romans 6:11
"But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness." - Romans 8:10
Thursday, January 04, 2007
A Breath of Fresh Air
As much as I hate gray weather, gray trees, brown grass, and bleak temperatures, they've helped instill in me a deep appreciation for life, color, and warmth. There's that saying, "You never know what you had until you've lost it." Well, where I'm from, that saying rings truer than ever, in my opinion. Everything dies in about the month of October, and we don't get it back until May. If you've never experienced the color gray for seven months out of a year, you most likely don't have the same appreciation for color and warmth as I do.
Yesterday I took a nice drive up to New Hampshire to visit family. After a relaxing day of playing "matching" with my curly-headed cousin (who is four, and quite a whimsical little character), and monopoly with the rest of the family, I went to sleep and woke up for the drive home... the drive was exactly what I needed.
I love to have my breath stolen by my Lord...
Somewhere along my life I've become addicted to the beauty God has created in nature. Lately I've been craving some kind of a surprise (which is how I feel when I see a breathtaking view of God's design). I was driving home all by myself singing David Crowder as loud as I could, when the sun broke forth through the clouds. I was instantly surrounded by streaming rays of warmth, and I gazed intently at the molten fiery ball of sun that you're not supposed to look at (especially while driving down the interstate). The colors were vibrant and majestic, and the sky that was clearing became that deep, bright blue that I often long to see. Such a great contrast against the dead, gray trees. I was wrapped in peace and held by love. I could hear the verse in Malachi that I love, "The Sun of Righteousness shall arise with healing in His wings;" (4:2).
"Raise me up from this grave, touch my tongue and then I'll sing, heal my limbs and joyfully I'll run to You." I sang the words and felt the warmth, enjoying and admiring the gift that had just been given to me.
Thank you Jesus for healing... for allowing me to experience joy, and peace. Thank you for love, and especially for grace... those words that I am only beginning to understand. Thank you for reminding me yet again that this world is not my home... that I am a child designed for another world, and that I will indeed live to enter into that world. You are my home. You are my Rock... the only secure thing I have.
"even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance." ~Romans 8:23-24~
Monday, January 01, 2007
cliche's never help
Have you ever felt bombarded by Christian cliche's? Smile! Jesus loves you! Once you understand the gospel, your life will be solved!
Sometimes I just want someone to listen. I want them to weep with me and to cry out to God with me. I don't want their answers... I already know the answers. It doesn't take away pain... is pain wrong?
I am convinced that pain can be felt amidst joy... that it is used for a great purpose. I will not despair. He has brought me through storms and trials before... He will hold me together through another if He wills to do so, and He has promised to do so...
I want to worship God with my life and not with my words alone. I want to tell people who are having a hard time that it is not easy. None of the apostles had easy lives. They weren't taking vacations and planning for retirement. They were being beaten and imprisoned... persecuted for this faith... yet they so passionately clung to this faith... why did they hold so tightly to this faith?
There must have been something magnificent to cling to if they were willing to go through all of this gruelling pain... something so great that it was worth intense suffering. In Acts 14, Paul and Barnabas encourage the people who had just received Christ with these words, "We must through many tribulations enter the kingdom of God." (14:22) These men knew what kind of tribulations these new followers would face. Paul had just been stoned until they thought he was dead... James had been killed, Peter, his brother had been arrested... these men were destined to suffer pain, and yet they were filled with unexplainable joy and peace that surpassed all understanding.
These men were clinging to the only hope that exists. They were filled with the only supernatural power available. They possessed the One True Light. Their minds were renewed... they were transformed into new creatures... these men were fully alive, and if you have something to live for, it is certainly worth suffering and even dying for.
There is nothing cliche about following Jesus Christ. All your problems will not go away. In fact, following Christ involves death to self. It hurts! But I can promise that there is nothing more freeing than taking up your cross and following Him. My life is miserable when I live for myself. I am empty and cannot be filled without my precious Lord.
In Romans 8:18, Paul boldly declares, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God."
The rest of the chapter is amazing. Through all this weakness, all this pain, all this suffering, "we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (Romans 8:37)
"For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor prinicalities nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." ~Romans 38-39~
I will dance, I will sing
To be mad for my King
Nothing Lord is hindering this passion in my soul
And I'll become even more undignified than this...
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Lighthearted Anyone??
It's late, and I'm exhausted, so I probably shouldn't even try to write, but I feel like it.
I've been battling intense sorrow every day. I've been hating myself, condemning, bruising, beating myself into a pulp... all for nothing. "You're selfish... selfish... selfish... you can't change... stuck... forever. You don't deserve what you have... you are a burden to everyone... sick... why don't you just die so that you won't burden people with this inconvenient despair? Sorrow is wrong... you are wrong... you should never feel sadness, look what you have... see who you are not? you will never be her!!!" These jeering thoughts attack me when I'm alone. I can battle one at a time, but when they all come at once, it takes everything in me and a lot of Scripture verses to remember...
Grace... Mercy... Deliverance... Freedom... I can't imagine the pain Jesus felt when He took every single sin upon himself. Imagine the attacks Satan hurled at Him... the internal turmoil He must have faced... as if the physical pain weren't enough, think of the despair He must have felt... unthinkable...
And to think that my beating myself up is to say that His death was not bloody enough... His sacrifice was not painful ENOUGH to change such a miserable soul as me. No. His skin was shredded, His dignity stripped, His very person was cast into hell to pay for my wretchedness. I will not try to add to that sacrifice. "It is finished." In Him I live and move and have my being. Through His pain I AM made CLEAN and WHOLE and GOOD and PURE... I am God's daughter and He has called me beautiful. Me? That's what He says...
Someone told me recently not to take myself so seriously. To laugh at myself more often. I think it was good advice. I miss laughing. I don't want to make light of my sin, but to recognize it, change it, and to laugh about my flawed nature seems so much more appealing than to sit in hopeless misery feeling sorry for myself. I hope I can learn to laugh again. I pray that God would restore my joy... that my pride would not get in the way of enjoying the LIFE given so freely to me.
"They say that love can heal the broken... They say that hope can make you see... They say that faith fan find a Saviour... If you would follow and believe with faith like a child." ~Like a Child~ (I've been on a Jars of Clay kick)
Friday, December 22, 2006
Oh Come Let us Adore Him!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
~Jeremiah 29:11-14a~
Such great promises from such a BIG God... He is greater than my intellect and my human reasoning... so much greater. A huge burden is lifted from my shoulders when I read Deuteronomy 29:29
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that me may follow all the words of this law."
"Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." -Romans10:13
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Rest... glorious, joyful, beautiful rest in Him alone. The love I have craved and sought and run after is mine. The personal, deep, everlasting love and grace that offers a wellspring of LIFE is eternally MINE! "I am my lover's and He is mine." Forever. It's so beautifully surreal and so painfully true... I was redeemed by Jesus terrible suffering, and He has won me over. He has sought me out... He has knocked and I have swung the doors of my heart wide open. Upon invitation, my precious Saviour has entered the depths of my heart; He has shed light on all the darkness of my being, and He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.
I urge whoever reads this to allow Him to shed light on you. Allow yourself to be consumed with Him. By His grace, through your faith, you are saved. Rescued from the pit. Believe on Jesus Christ. He humbled Himself for you. He became a weak baby for you. He suffered to the point of death, and entered the gates of hell for YOU. He did this to free you from eternal death and from the agony of a broken sin nature.
"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." -Malachi 4:2
"Oh come let us adore Him,
We'll give Him all the glory,
We'll praise His name forever,
For He ALONE is worthy,
Christ the Lord!"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Worlds Apart
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icharus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to give and die. To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache...
Can I be the one to sacrifice or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you- take my world apart. To need you- I am on my knees. To need you- broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me. Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart...
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, and wipe away the crimson stains and all the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now. I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago, so steal my heart and take the pain. Wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take my tears. I've sinned and oh God make me pure. Take my world all apart. Take it now, take it now. Return the ones that I've despised. Speak the words I can't deny. Wash the world I used to know of all the dust and wash away... Take my world apart.... I pray.... Take my world apart...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Joy in small things...
It's funny what I think will bring great joy, and what truly makes me happy. Sometimes I feel stuck in a small box where it is impossible for me to see anything great or to be truly satisfied. Life seems mediocre from such a perspective. However... when I open up my heart and my mind, and allow God to reveal Himself in everything I do, I know I am on a great adventure... that the path I am on, though dry and arid at times, winds on for an eternity... and not an eternity alone, but an eternity with the closest of companions.
Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me. How great a promise! Regardless of how alone I feel, I am always with my most intimate of friends.
Eternal life starts now. Even while I wash dishes and do the laundry and clean the house... while the sky is gray and the temperature is cold. When I feel that whatever I am doing is insignificant and worthless, I am doing it all to His glory, and His glory will ring out forever. My small life may bring some other small life joy through His grace and abundant love.
Your small life, however insignificant it may seem, can partake in eternal glory!!! Are you amazed? Enthralled? Overjoyed? I am encouraged to know that this life is not about me. It is a huge burden lifted off my back, and when I remember this, I feel as though I can breathe again.
Luke 1:38
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Transitions
Transitions are really hard for me... I get used to a certain groove, and being in school doesn't really offer a consistent groove of life. After finals, everything just stops, and I'm left there thinking, now what???
Every time I get home from school I go through some weird withdrawal. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe I'm just weird.
Aside from that, I'm here, and I'm ready to be used for the Lord in any way possible. The more idly I sit, the more I struggle with despair. I'm convinced God did not create us for rest alone. I have a sense of urgency to accomplish something and to be needed. This is biblical too, because even before sin entered our lives, Adam was placed in paradise to work. I guess it's in our blood.
Everyone from school, I miss you already... be blessed and be willing to be used and to work for the glory we are so fortunate to participate in!!!
"From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people." ~Psalm 3:8~
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Fly Away
I want to fly away. To grow out clipped wings... to stretch them out and fly, fly, fly away... Maybe I'll just drive.
Honestly, though, I'm tired of feeling caged in. I want so badly to be free from... from people? I don't know...
Being alone is not at all an appealing thought to me, but sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere and be in real solitude. My Maker and I and a sunrise. I'll find the spot all by myself and sit and stand and dance and sing to Him and talk with Him. I'll laugh and cry at once. I'll giggle out of pure delight at His wonders and sit in silence and in pure awe of His Majesty.
I'm tired of people monitering me. It's good to be looked out for, but sometimes I feel like a little pet that people want to take care of. I want to be fiercely alive. Independence is not what I crave. I will forever be wholly dependent on my Lord, and I do need the love of people around me. No, I do not desire independence but I do desire some fresh air...
I need to be challenged to live passionately; fiercely devoted to my Lord and wholly dependent and desperate for Him always... instead I feel coddled; treated as though I may break, or that I am a silly girl with a lack of common sense. Maybe this feeling is self-inflicted. Maybe I have been over protected for my entire life, and I am growing weary from it. Who knows... all I know is that right now I feel like flying away, but from what I'm not quite sure.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Hymn
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Living "Now"
I'm putting off writing an ethics paper... well I guess I'm prepping myself for it by writing a blog. Haha...
I find myself getting very sentimental around this time of year. Sometimes it's an achy sentiment and sometimes it feels like pure ecstacy. I've been feeling ready to grow up. I'm excited to live and to walk a path that is not bound to the expectations of people. I'm not sure where I will be led, but I am at rest knowing that I am being led somewhere.
The hardest thing for me is living in the present. If you think about it, all we really have is now. When now is painful, I have a hard time living it. I used to try to run away from the "now" if it hurt. I would run away in my thoughts and in sleep and in books and by planning how good the future would be... even by regretting things of the past. Lately I've been learning that "Now" is always a blessing. Even if it is painful. Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and through all of that... hope is produced. Pure, incorruptible hope. There is no shame in hope, because we hope for what is true.
I have a few friends that have been witnesses to me of this inconceivable hope through suffering. One friend of mine is battling breast cancer. She has not fallen into despair... not even close. You should see the light in her eyes... it is breathtaking. I have never seen so much beauty as in those who know what pain in life is and who are madly in love with their Savior. Love makes people do some crazy things. You can withstand a lot more when you are in love.
I am being lured towards God. His Glory is proclaimed everywhere I look. I have asked Him to peel open my tightly closed heart, and He has been doing just that. I press myself close to Him and gaze straight at Him in awe and with much adoration. I see Him in the eyes of others who are in love with Him. I see the hunger in people who do not have Him. He is becoming my companion. My loneliness has driven me closer to Him, and I am ever thankful for it. I will gladly embrace whatever affliction is brought to me and allow it to be used to bring me closer to the One I am living for.
Don't get me wrong... I don't enjoy afflictions. I don't beg for pain or pray for adversity. I battle with depression and despair almost every day, and it is not because I so desire it. Those things are a part of my flesh. Without Christ I would surely have been overcome by despair, but WITH Him I walk in victory. I have to lay this battle at His feet every day. There are mornings when I roll out of bed and hit the floor on my knees because my thoughts are in such disarray. Despair does come, but it flees when I look to Christ. Every time I look at Him and remember what He has done for me, depression vanishes. He is my joy. My peace. My love. My hope. My life.
"In Him was life and the the life was the LIGHT of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it." ~John 1:4-5~
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Rain, rain go away...
Romans 5 says that "we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
I am not sure I know the meaning of true suffering. I know the dull ache of monotony, and the sharp pain of a heart break, but neither of these seem to be true suffering. The latter is at times unavoidable, and may truly qualify as "suffering" but the first must be able to be avoided. One is unable to rejoice amidst monotony. I am not speaking about the every day mundane activities we all experience. Even in these, one can rejoice in the hope of the Lord. But true monotony... this to me seems the most dangerous mind set to become trapped in. To become bored, even with God, is life-threatening. It is to say "God was not enough. He could not fill me. I have drained Him as a Source, and have come up empty."
I have been in this place before. I don't think it is an uncommon place for many Christians to be. I have been bored with what I thought was God. It squelched my will to live. It stripped me of any purpose or meaning in my life.
Jesus did not die on the cross merely to give out free tickets out of hell. He came as a weak baby and offered his body up in a bloody sacrifice so that we might be restored into a relationship with God. God is not mocked. He does not need us to give Him glory, yet He took on death so that we might be able to participate in His glory. We can freely enjoy being in His presence. We are clean... We are free... if we accept the freedom.
I must admit... I do not know how to fully enjoy the gift I have received. I so easily let my anxious thoughts get in the way of Him. It's as though I keep searching my empty pockets for something to give in return for a beautiful diamond ring I have just received, when all He wants me to do is gaze into His eyes and love Him. I expect to spend the rest of my life looking at Him and falling deeper into the realization of the depth of Him and His love.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I held a baby...
A few nights ago I led worship at Heritage youth group. The youth pastor and his wife have a 4 month old baby named Isaiah. He is precious. I have never really known whether or not I was one of those people who is good with babies, but I think I fell in love that night. He snuggled his head right under my chin and fell asleep, and I never wanted to put him down... I can't wait to be a mom.
Lighthearted Anyone??
It's late, and I'm exhausted, so I probably shouldn't even try to write, but I feel like it.
I've been battling intense sorrow every day. I've been hating myself, condemning, bruising, beating myself into a pulp... all for nothing. "You're selfish... selfish... selfish... you can't change... stuck... forever. You don't deserve what you have... you are a burden to everyone... sick... why don't you just die so that you won't burden people with this inconvenient despair? Sorrow is wrong... you are wrong... you should never feel sadness, look what you have... see who you are not? you will never be her!!!" These jeering thoughts attack me when I'm alone. I can battle one at a time, but when they all come at once, it takes everything in me and a lot of Scripture verses to remember...
Grace... Mercy... Deliverance... Freedom... I can't imagine the pain Jesus felt when He took every single sin upon himself. Imagine the attacks Satan hurled at Him... the internal turmoil He must have faced... as if the physical pain weren't enough, think of the despair He must have felt... unthinkable...
And to think that my beating myself up is to say that His death was not bloody enough... His sacrifice was not painful ENOUGH to change such a miserable soul as me. No. His skin was shredded, His dignity stripped, His very person was cast into hell to pay for my wretchedness. I will not try to add to that sacrifice. "It is finished." In Him I live and move and have my being. Through His pain I AM made CLEAN and WHOLE and GOOD and PURE... I am God's daughter and He has called me beautiful. Me? That's what He says...
Someone told me recently not to take myself so seriously. To laugh at myself more often. I think it was good advice. I miss laughing. I don't want to make light of my sin, but to recognize it, change it, and to laugh about my flawed nature seems so much more appealing than to sit in hopeless misery feeling sorry for myself. I hope I can learn to laugh again. I pray that God would restore my joy... that my pride would not get in the way of enjoying the LIFE given so freely to me.
"They say that love can heal the broken... They say that hope can make you see... They say that faith fan find a Saviour... If you would follow and believe with faith like a child." ~Like a Child~ (I've been on a Jars of Clay kick)
Friday, December 22, 2006
Oh Come Let us Adore Him!
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity."
~Jeremiah 29:11-14a~
Such great promises from such a BIG God... He is greater than my intellect and my human reasoning... so much greater. A huge burden is lifted from my shoulders when I read Deuteronomy 29:29
"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that me may follow all the words of this law."
"Whosoever calls upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." -Romans10:13
"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28
Rest... glorious, joyful, beautiful rest in Him alone. The love I have craved and sought and run after is mine. The personal, deep, everlasting love and grace that offers a wellspring of LIFE is eternally MINE! "I am my lover's and He is mine." Forever. It's so beautifully surreal and so painfully true... I was redeemed by Jesus terrible suffering, and He has won me over. He has sought me out... He has knocked and I have swung the doors of my heart wide open. Upon invitation, my precious Saviour has entered the depths of my heart; He has shed light on all the darkness of my being, and He will NEVER leave me nor forsake me.
I urge whoever reads this to allow Him to shed light on you. Allow yourself to be consumed with Him. By His grace, through your faith, you are saved. Rescued from the pit. Believe on Jesus Christ. He humbled Himself for you. He became a weak baby for you. He suffered to the point of death, and entered the gates of hell for YOU. He did this to free you from eternal death and from the agony of a broken sin nature.
"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall." -Malachi 4:2
"Oh come let us adore Him,
We'll give Him all the glory,
We'll praise His name forever,
For He ALONE is worthy,
Christ the Lord!"
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Worlds Apart
Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
I am the only one to blame for this. Somehow it all ends up the same. Soaring on the wings of selfish pride, I flew too high and like Icharus I collide. With a world I try so hard to leave behind. To rid myself of all but love, to give and die. To turn away and not become another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears of a world embracing every heartache...
Can I be the one to sacrifice or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you- take my world apart. To need you- I am on my knees. To need you- broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone amongst remains of a life I should not own. It takes all I am to believe in the mercy that covers me. Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart...
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost, and wipe away the crimson stains and all the nails that still remain. More and more I need you now. I owe you more each passing hour. The battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago, so steal my heart and take the pain. Wash my feet and cleanse my pride. Take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide. Take the beauty, take my tears. I've sinned and oh God make me pure. Take my world all apart. Take it now, take it now. Return the ones that I've despised. Speak the words I can't deny. Wash the world I used to know of all the dust and wash away... Take my world apart.... I pray.... Take my world apart...
Monday, December 18, 2006
Joy in small things...
It's funny what I think will bring great joy, and what truly makes me happy. Sometimes I feel stuck in a small box where it is impossible for me to see anything great or to be truly satisfied. Life seems mediocre from such a perspective. However... when I open up my heart and my mind, and allow God to reveal Himself in everything I do, I know I am on a great adventure... that the path I am on, though dry and arid at times, winds on for an eternity... and not an eternity alone, but an eternity with the closest of companions.
Jesus said He would never leave me nor forsake me. How great a promise! Regardless of how alone I feel, I am always with my most intimate of friends.
Eternal life starts now. Even while I wash dishes and do the laundry and clean the house... while the sky is gray and the temperature is cold. When I feel that whatever I am doing is insignificant and worthless, I am doing it all to His glory, and His glory will ring out forever. My small life may bring some other small life joy through His grace and abundant love.
Your small life, however insignificant it may seem, can partake in eternal glory!!! Are you amazed? Enthralled? Overjoyed? I am encouraged to know that this life is not about me. It is a huge burden lifted off my back, and when I remember this, I feel as though I can breathe again.
Luke 1:38
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Transitions
Transitions are really hard for me... I get used to a certain groove, and being in school doesn't really offer a consistent groove of life. After finals, everything just stops, and I'm left there thinking, now what???
Every time I get home from school I go through some weird withdrawal. Does anyone know what I mean? Maybe I'm just weird.
Aside from that, I'm here, and I'm ready to be used for the Lord in any way possible. The more idly I sit, the more I struggle with despair. I'm convinced God did not create us for rest alone. I have a sense of urgency to accomplish something and to be needed. This is biblical too, because even before sin entered our lives, Adam was placed in paradise to work. I guess it's in our blood.
Everyone from school, I miss you already... be blessed and be willing to be used and to work for the glory we are so fortunate to participate in!!!
"From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people." ~Psalm 3:8~
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Fly Away
I want to fly away. To grow out clipped wings... to stretch them out and fly, fly, fly away... Maybe I'll just drive.
Honestly, though, I'm tired of feeling caged in. I want so badly to be free from... from people? I don't know...
Being alone is not at all an appealing thought to me, but sometimes I wish I could just go somewhere and be in real solitude. My Maker and I and a sunrise. I'll find the spot all by myself and sit and stand and dance and sing to Him and talk with Him. I'll laugh and cry at once. I'll giggle out of pure delight at His wonders and sit in silence and in pure awe of His Majesty.
I'm tired of people monitering me. It's good to be looked out for, but sometimes I feel like a little pet that people want to take care of. I want to be fiercely alive. Independence is not what I crave. I will forever be wholly dependent on my Lord, and I do need the love of people around me. No, I do not desire independence but I do desire some fresh air...
I need to be challenged to live passionately; fiercely devoted to my Lord and wholly dependent and desperate for Him always... instead I feel coddled; treated as though I may break, or that I am a silly girl with a lack of common sense. Maybe this feeling is self-inflicted. Maybe I have been over protected for my entire life, and I am growing weary from it. Who knows... all I know is that right now I feel like flying away, but from what I'm not quite sure.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Hymn
Oh refuge of my hardened heart
Oh fast pursuing lover come
As angels dance 'round Your throne
My life by captured fare You own
Not silhouette of trodden faith
Nor death shall not my steps be guide
I'll pirouette upon mine grave
For in Your path I'll run and hide
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in Your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry
Spring worship unto Thee
When beauty breaks the spell of pain
The bludgeoned heart shall burst in vain
But not when love be pointed king
And truth shall Thee forever reign
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Sweet Jesus carry me away
From cold of night, and dust of day
In ragged hour or salt worn eye
Be my desire, my well sprung lye
Oh gaze of love so melt my pride
That I may in your house but kneel
And in my brokenness to cry,
Spring worship unto thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Spring worship unto Thee
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Living "Now"
I'm putting off writing an ethics paper... well I guess I'm prepping myself for it by writing a blog. Haha...
I find myself getting very sentimental around this time of year. Sometimes it's an achy sentiment and sometimes it feels like pure ecstacy. I've been feeling ready to grow up. I'm excited to live and to walk a path that is not bound to the expectations of people. I'm not sure where I will be led, but I am at rest knowing that I am being led somewhere.
The hardest thing for me is living in the present. If you think about it, all we really have is now. When now is painful, I have a hard time living it. I used to try to run away from the "now" if it hurt. I would run away in my thoughts and in sleep and in books and by planning how good the future would be... even by regretting things of the past. Lately I've been learning that "Now" is always a blessing. Even if it is painful. Suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and through all of that... hope is produced. Pure, incorruptible hope. There is no shame in hope, because we hope for what is true.
I have a few friends that have been witnesses to me of this inconceivable hope through suffering. One friend of mine is battling breast cancer. She has not fallen into despair... not even close. You should see the light in her eyes... it is breathtaking. I have never seen so much beauty as in those who know what pain in life is and who are madly in love with their Savior. Love makes people do some crazy things. You can withstand a lot more when you are in love.
I am being lured towards God. His Glory is proclaimed everywhere I look. I have asked Him to peel open my tightly closed heart, and He has been doing just that. I press myself close to Him and gaze straight at Him in awe and with much adoration. I see Him in the eyes of others who are in love with Him. I see the hunger in people who do not have Him. He is becoming my companion. My loneliness has driven me closer to Him, and I am ever thankful for it. I will gladly embrace whatever affliction is brought to me and allow it to be used to bring me closer to the One I am living for.
Don't get me wrong... I don't enjoy afflictions. I don't beg for pain or pray for adversity. I battle with depression and despair almost every day, and it is not because I so desire it. Those things are a part of my flesh. Without Christ I would surely have been overcome by despair, but WITH Him I walk in victory. I have to lay this battle at His feet every day. There are mornings when I roll out of bed and hit the floor on my knees because my thoughts are in such disarray. Despair does come, but it flees when I look to Christ. Every time I look at Him and remember what He has done for me, depression vanishes. He is my joy. My peace. My love. My hope. My life.
"In Him was life and the the life was the LIGHT of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness did not comprehend it." ~John 1:4-5~
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Rain, rain go away...
Romans 5 says that "we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
I am not sure I know the meaning of true suffering. I know the dull ache of monotony, and the sharp pain of a heart break, but neither of these seem to be true suffering. The latter is at times unavoidable, and may truly qualify as "suffering" but the first must be able to be avoided. One is unable to rejoice amidst monotony. I am not speaking about the every day mundane activities we all experience. Even in these, one can rejoice in the hope of the Lord. But true monotony... this to me seems the most dangerous mind set to become trapped in. To become bored, even with God, is life-threatening. It is to say "God was not enough. He could not fill me. I have drained Him as a Source, and have come up empty."
I have been in this place before. I don't think it is an uncommon place for many Christians to be. I have been bored with what I thought was God. It squelched my will to live. It stripped me of any purpose or meaning in my life.
Jesus did not die on the cross merely to give out free tickets out of hell. He came as a weak baby and offered his body up in a bloody sacrifice so that we might be restored into a relationship with God. God is not mocked. He does not need us to give Him glory, yet He took on death so that we might be able to participate in His glory. We can freely enjoy being in His presence. We are clean... We are free... if we accept the freedom.
I must admit... I do not know how to fully enjoy the gift I have received. I so easily let my anxious thoughts get in the way of Him. It's as though I keep searching my empty pockets for something to give in return for a beautiful diamond ring I have just received, when all He wants me to do is gaze into His eyes and love Him. I expect to spend the rest of my life looking at Him and falling deeper into the realization of the depth of Him and His love.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
I held a baby...
A few nights ago I led worship at Heritage youth group. The youth pastor and his wife have a 4 month old baby named Isaiah. He is precious. I have never really known whether or not I was one of those people who is good with babies, but I think I fell in love that night. He snuggled his head right under my chin and fell asleep, and I never wanted to put him down... I can't wait to be a mom.
February 22, 2005- November 20, 2006
Monday, November 20, 2006
At Rest
There is something so comforting about my mother's touch... something so joyful about a long and warm embrace from both of my sisters... something so safe about my father's hug. I love the familiarity of the family dinners... the lighthearted dinner talk, full of laughter over old memories and new ones being made.
This break is refreshing and renewing. I have had time to rest... physically, mentally, and spiritually, and I've only been here two days. I have been reading... reading and reading, and I have been spending time with my Lord. I am praying for opportunities to pour out the love I am receiving during this week and after. I could go into a lot of detail about what I'm learning lately, but it would take too long, and I'd rather keep this as lighthearted as is possible for a Rachel Macy to keep something.
Blessings to all who read this, and I pray that you would receive exactly what you need when you need it in order that your love for God might abound, that your self would decrease, and that He might increase.
All glory to Him forever!!!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Thank you, thank you, thank you
I'M GOING HOME TO SEE MY FAMILY TOMORROW!!!
This week has been nothing short of insane, and I am so excited to go home. I don't even care that I'm getting sick. Just give me my fam!!! Hugs all around... sharing a room with lizabeth... non-dairy food EVERYWHERE... old old old friends... I am so blessed. No wonder they named it "Thanksgiving"
Thank you Father for every blessing You have lavished on me. I will lay each one back down at your feet and hold You closer to my heart than anything else. You are my only possession.
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." ~Psalm 73:25-26~
You are my joy
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Girls Cry
I am emotionally exhausted. Mentally spent. I can barely function because I am so tired in every way. I am joyfully waiting on the Lord, and it hurts. My self-sin is being torn out bit by bit, and I am bleeding out. I will bleed out until my death. The final death of self. This will take my whole life to complete, and at times, the pain is so intense I can do nothing but crumble to my knees in desperation.
My tears are not in vain. This is where I have so desired to be. Utterly broken before my Father. Naked and vulnerable... completely exposed. I lift shaky hands to the Father in humble adoration. He is my King. My Father. My redeemer. He is everything to me. I so desire to please Him that I will take up my rough cross and follow Him... regardless of circumstance. I will embrace what is given to me with thankfulness. I trust that something beautiful is being molded. Though I tremble in my weakness, my strength is renewed.
"Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary;they shall walk and not faint. " ~Isaiah 40:30-31~
Relentlessly I seek Him. I stand in awe of His love. He has delivered me. He is delivering me. He will continue to deliver me for all eternity. What a faithful Father we have, if we so choose to fall before Him and cry out in humble desperation.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
I cry aloud... and he will hear me
"I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints.You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak." ~Psalm 77:1-4~
"I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples." ~Psalm 77:11-14~
My emotions refuse to do what I command them to do today. My eyes refuse to obey me when I tell them there is nothing to cry about. My God is holding me, and I am obeying Him. Things could not be any better... yet there is still pain. The pain is expected, and yet it still catches me off guard. It still hurts. I know that this pain will be used for great growth and that it too shall pass. Sometimes knowing this isn't very soothing though. "My soul clings to you you; your right hand upholds me." ~Psalm 63:8~ I cling to the Rock. The solid ground in every storm.
"Only you can see the goodness in broken things. You took my heart of stone and you made it whole; set this prisoner free." ~Bethany Dillon~
I pray that this brokenness would bring humility. That my humility would make me supple enough to be used in any way possible for my Lord. That my heart would become more willing and that my willingness would glorify He Who is Worthy to be glorified forever and ever.
I am thirsty. I ache. I long for more of Him. I long to be able to cast all of my cares upon Him... to fully surrender everything I have tried to possess. I am still clinging to things selfishly... I pray that He would enable me to live my life knowing that I possess nothing but Him. This is true freedom. For if nothing I own is mine, than I am bound to nothing around me; not even to my life. I am free to live and enjoy and serve and die to what I do have... the Creator of life itself.
"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands." ~Psalm 63:3-4~
Thursday, November 09, 2006
The Daily Grind
So, as cliche as it is for a college student to spend more time at a coffee shop than they do their own apartment, I've been going to this place that's rather comforting. The Daily Grind, a tiny coffee shop with a spiral staircase and quirky music, in the middle of a picture perfect, plastic town called Wyndhurst. White christmas lights that are half working and some comfortable leather couches and tables and chairs. It's sad, but this place is more comfortable to be at than where I live, so I've been making a habit of living here. I might ask if they'd let me keep my bed here and pay a small amount of rent.
Seriously, though, do any of you have a home? You know a real live home that is comfortable and decorated to your taste. A place you can go to find solitude, or a place where you can entertain people? Living out of my car and one bedroom has been fun for a time, but I'm glad there is only one more year of this college thing. I feel restless. At the same time, my heart is at rest.
I'm reading a book by A.W. Tozer called "The Pursuit of God." It is... amazing. Such great reminders in it, and even things I never thought of before. In the preface, he speaks about opinions of God and tempers towards God. He says that one can have the correct "opinion" of God while having an entirely wrong "temper" towards God. He points out that Satan is proof of this. A person can have all the knowledge, all the correct doctrine (and this is crucial) yet still not love God. A person can even be saved from eternal death and suffering, and STILL not love God. He also reminds that we are to worship God, not the Bible. The Bible is a great gift, and it is the Word of God, but it is not God. We must not get caught up in words. God is much, much bigger than words. I desire to have desire for God. I thirst for more thirst. I want to be overpowered by His greatness. I do not want to cram God into an opinion I have. I want to experience Him. And I am. But I want more.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Sweet Surrender
Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:25-26~
I love Him. I love Him for being worthy, I love Him for rescuing me, I love Him for His patience and goodness and righteousness and for His forgiveness... I love Him for loving me. How can I keep from singing His grace?
In Him I am alive. Through Him I take deep, pure breaths and give them back to Him. He is the Maker, the Sustainer, the Life-Giver. He has won me over time and time again. He has renewed my strength. Restored my joy and my passion. He smiles at me. He enjoys me enjoying Him! His anger lasts a moment, but His love lasts for a lifetime. He rebukes in love. Through His kindness I am drawn to repent. I am humbled by His grace.
My heart bows down before my Maker in awe and reverence.
There is none like You, Lord. "Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; in your name I will lift up my hands." ~Psalm 63:3-4~
"But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies." ~2 Corinthians 4:7-10~
"For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward him." ~2 Chronicles 16:9~
Brokenness is beautiful. Complacency is mediocre and hopeless. No... I will not ask for pain to pass quickly. I will embrace my brokenness with a thankful heart and with praise. I will bless my Father for keeping me out of complacency and compromise. I trust Him. I will thank Him for increasing my desire for Him. He is WORTHY of all honor and praise.
I love Him.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Never Underestimate My Jesus
I found the really old Relient K cd on my computer today. I listened to this song that I used to love in highschool. It's really simple, but it reminds me of the child like faith that I have had and still have. It reminds me that He is even bigger than my insufficiencies. My plans are like ant hills compared to His mountainous plans.
I love Him. I see proof of His beauty and His majesty everywhere I go. In the eyes of people... in the sunset over the Virginia mountains all aglow with fiery golden fall colors... in the moon and in the stars. His fingerprints are all over creation... they are covering my heart. I am being molded. My heart beats faster thinking about it... He has brought me to life. I'm alive... I am fully and wholly and truly ALIVE!
I love Him
Never Underestimate
Am I at the point of no improvement?
What other death I still dwell in
I try to excel but I feel no movement
Can I be free of this un-releasable sin?
Never underestimate my Jesus
You're telling me that there's no hope
I'm telling you you're wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
I throw up my hands
Oh the impossibilities
Frustrated and tired where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fears
Never underestimate my Jesus
You're telling me that there's no hope
I'm telling you you're wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
I think I can't… I think I can't
But I think You can, I think You can
I think I can't… I think I can't
But I think You can, I think You can
Gather my insufficiencies and
Place them in Your hands
Place them in Your hands,
Place them in Your hands
Never underestimate my Jesus
You're telling me that there's no hope
I'm telling you you're wrong
Never underestimate my Jesus
When the world around you crumbles
He will be strong, He will be strong
He will be strong
I love Him.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
ouch
I'm so achy. The inside kind of achy, in the pit of my stomach. I feel like wallowing in my ache. Maybe that's a part of healing. The wallowing part. I don't know. I think I'm letting myself get physically sick because of this. I'm so tired and I have no energy. It seems as though the life is being sucked right out of me. I want to sleep it away. The more I sleep the more tired I become. The more tired I become the more I want to sleep... and so on. I want this semester to end. This season of life has been draining. I will gladly embrace whatever new season arises out of this.
In all of this there is hope... There is hope. This too shall pass. I am ok. I am held, and there is one constant thing in my life that will never change. I will never cease to be loved and taken care of by The Lord. Jesus did not become my sin and go to hell for three days for nothing. I will snap out of this, and I will flourish. I am fully alive because of Him, and He has given me everything I need to walk with Him and for Him.
My head is pounding. I'm going to take a nap.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
I'm funny when I'm tired Current mood: quixotic
It's only 9:21 p.m. and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. A big huge bus that rolled over my whole body and then backed up again. Haha... I let my mind get the best of me today. For real... it's actually pretty funny now that I think about it.
I was exhausted... flat out exhausted, and I was so hungry that I was lightheaded, so things seemed bigger than they were... a lot bigger. Anyway, I checked my account, or I thought I did, and it said I had less than $200 for the rest of my entire semester. Instead of logically realizing that this was impossible, I did the smart thing and started crying. All of these ridiculous thoughts came into my head like, "You'll have to drop out of school. Your life is over. You'll probably end up living in a cardboard box on the streets of Boston with a tin can for a bank account and a few crackers for dinner." Yeah... it got that bad. I'm seriously laughing out loud right now.
The point of all this... haha ummm is there a point? "Do not be anxious about tomorrow..." etc. etc.
The end of my story? Me sitting on my kitchen floor in tears, granola bar in one hand, a glass of chocolate soymilk in the other... clinging to both as though they were my last supper.... my Dad calling me and telling me that I have spent a lot less than I was even supposed to and that I actually have more than planned... yeah.
I thought y'all would enjoy a humorous epic story from my dramatic life. Yes I said "y'all"... that means I truly am exhausted and have lost all sense of reality/sanity.
Blessings to all and a very GOOD night.
P.S. I'm not REALLY feeling "quixotic" cause I looked it up on dictionary.com(i just really liked the sound of it), but in case you too would like to know what it means:
1.
(sometimes initial capital letter) resembling or befitting Don Quixote.
2.
extravagantly chivalrous or romantic; visionary, impractical, or impracticable.
3.
impulsive and often rashly unpredictable.
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Breathe
The giddy feeling is gone for a time. Today was mostly just plain hard. It was long and tedious, and full of work that I should still be plugging away at. I'm still breathing though. I'm still fully alive and well, and I am still held. I am still living for a very special purpose, and I am pressing towards the prize. I am pressed close to my Savior, and I am clinging tightly. I look onward to whatever He might have me do, and to whoever He might have me be. Things cannot be expected to be easy, but that is not what was promised. Freedom and liberation were promised... eternal life lived as a child of God. Love... deep love....
Passion is being instilled in me. I can feel it rising in my chest sometimes. What's exciting is the fact that it's not only a feeling. I see it surging through my life as I am enabled to walk consistently towards Him, eyes fixed ahead. I have something worth dying for. Something worth dying for must be even more worth living for... I press on.
"But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." ~Philippians 3:13-14~
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worhty of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me- practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you." ~Philippians 4:8-9~
Monday, October 23, 2006
In Love
I am so tired... it's a good kind of tired. This day was long... so long, but it was good. I woke up at 4:00 a.m. in a lot of pain, so I started reading the Bible. I started reading in Luke, and somehow read as though I've never read it before. I went back to bed exhausted after a half an hour of that, and woke up again at 9:30. I opened up my Bible again, and read again. Reading Jesus' words and about what he did and how he lived just blew me away. This man... this perfect man, who IS God, has this great love for me that is beyond my comprehension. It is committed... it is consistent, and it is never ending. I did not have to do anything to receive this love. In fact, He loved me even while I was His enemy. I could not help, as I read these pages, but fall in love all over again with this man... with God. I knew while I was reading these pages that I was wrapped in His layer of protection. In His powerful, comforting, ever present love. I couldn't stop smiling. I even laughed out loud and felt a little sheepish afterwards. True, this giddy feeling will not last. I will not feel ever excited about this amazing truth. But I embraced it for what it was today. I enjoyed my joy, if that can be said, and spent the day resting in His strength. I am committed to The Lord of Life who rescued me from death and bondage. I will live to please Him and Him alone. In sickness and in health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, I will love Him for an eternity.
And now for sleep.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
I can't stop drinking tea...
I don't have anything important to write at the moment. I just felt like writing something.
I like the new song I just put on my profile. It's cute. I'm sitting among the organized chaos in my room, sipping my hundredth cup of tea, and enjoying every second of it.
I've been learning a lot about myself lately. What I like and dislike. What I believe. I have found that I have quickly bought into the opinions of people in the past. I am learning that this is not what it means to be a follower of Christ. To search out the truth for myself is a new concept to me. I have found that even the wisest of men is fallible. We all fall down. Only God is all-knowing. This being said, my desire to understand legitmate truth is increased. I crave wisdom and knowledge, not so I can become puffed up with pride, but so that I can be all the more sure about my faith.
It is a tricky thing to be just open-minded enough not to miss the truth, but not so open-minded that truth becomes subjective. I haven't found the line yet. I expect it is possible I never will, but it is a fun task to learn. I cling to the promise Christ gave saying that if I seek Him with my whole heart I will find Him. I cannot be mislead if I am actively seeking Christ.
Monday, October 02, 2006
Paper Breaks
I'm taking a break from writing a paper to write a blog. Haha funny that my idea for relaxing and taking a break from writing is writing...
Lately, life has seemed so busy that I haven't had the chance to stop, breathe, and take in what is happening to me. What IS happening to me?
When I think about it, I realize... I'm growing up in more ways than one. True, I do not have a lot of years behind me, but I have learned a lot in a very short span of time. Mostly what I've learned is that I don't know much of anything, that I can't have all the answers, that I can't control, control, control, and that all of these issues seem to disappear when I look in the direction of Christ. Through all of my doubts and uncertainty, the Word of God has offered refreshment and ultimately comfort in an uncomfortable life.
I am learning the power of prayer. Sincere requests to God, made out of humble desperation. There is so much power in a desperate prayer. More than I know. I have seen a multitude of my desperate prayers answered this fall. I have asked for the ability to love people I do not love. My request has been granted. I have asked for discernment in the midst of hazy situations... My steps have been guided with the utmost care. I have begged to receive a deeper understanding and a greater longing for the One who loves me most... my requests are being answered.
"Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened." ~Matt. 7:7-8~
We are so blessed to rest in the hands of an Almighty God who will be found. A Sovereign Lord who loves us with a deeper love than is humanly conceivable. One Who is just and Who is merciful. It could not possibly get any better than this.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the lord, who made the heaven and the earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The Lord is your keeper; the Lord is your shade on your right hand. The sun shall not strike you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all evil; he will keep your life. The Lord will keep your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forevermore." ~Psalm 121~
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
I'm a Mexican Jumping Bean!?!?
I feel joyful today. Joyful and thankful. And tired. I am full to the brim with love. I've been reading Elizabeth Elliot lately, and in one of her books, she says that everything is "assigned" to us. We can take what we are given by God and serve Him with it, or we can choose to freak out about every little detail. Everything in my day was assigned. The Lord has given me my portion, and today I feel that my portion was so big that I might burst.
This is not to say that I haven't had my struggles. I keep wanting to take control of things, and I have been at war with myself over this lately. Especially in certain areas of my life. Being a woman is not easy (although I'm sure it's just as hard or harder for a man). To wait quietly on the Lord is impossible for me to do without giving things up moment by moment and trusting in His plan. I keep praying that God would turn my restlessness into usefulness. He has answered in abundance. I could not ask for more. But I will.
I want to be poured out so that I can be filled again. I want to learn to love the Lord my God with my everything. Is complete surrender humanly possible? No... not humanly possible, but can I be entirely surrendered to God under Christ? I was promised that "I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13) I wonder what would take place if I dared believe it possible to surrender everything in my life entirely to God. Is this idealistic? Maybe, but it's what I desire, and I am also promised that God will give me the desires of my heart.
"Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: I know how to be abased, and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:11-13)
Saturday, September 23, 2006
It's funny what you'll do...
It's funny what you'll do out of desperation. Lately my entire way of living has changed. What I do and who I'm with are in transition. My time spent has been so drastically changed that sometimes I don't know what to do with myself. I have been lonely. Felt alone and lost. I have felt this way before. Usually in order to cope, I'd stay home and feel sorry for myself, encouraging myself to become even more self-consumed than before. This time is different.
I am desperate to learn to love God. To seek Him with everything in me always. My loneliness has left me with a lot of quality time alone with Him. I have poured my heart out to Him, admitting my many weaknesses, and asking Him for His strength. He has not forsaken me. In my desperate search for God, I have begun to ask Him to reveal to me opportunities of service. I have begun to see the people around me with His eyes. There are so many people around me who have the same loneliness in their eyes that I have in my heart.
I am beginning to notice people I never noticed before. The kind of individuals that people just don't see. The ones that watch all social interaction and never become involved. In my noticing these people, I am becoming curious about what makes them tick. Who are they? What is their story? What can I do to at least bless them today? I met a girl who is in my class that I had never even seen before. She hasn't met anyone at school yet. A transfer student who's shy and lives off campus. We went out to dinner together and studied and chatted. Though we were nothing alike, I felt the desire to bless her with company and friendship. She was craving some kind of companionship, and I could relate.
Life is still uncomfortable. There have been ups and downs, and things are still difficult, but in serving I have been blessed. In seeking God I have been comforted. I see this difficult time as a highly valuable life lesson. I am praying that my finite mind will not so easily forget the lesson, as it has forgotten so many other things.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Shopping doesn't help
Good... twice in one day. Too bad I can't change the date so I look like less of a myspace nerd... or maybe I can? Who cares. Basically I left my journal at home and I have the urge to write. So myspace it is.
I don't like being uncomfortable. I don't like not knowing what's coming, or quite what to do. I don't like achy feelings in my chest. I hate feeling helpless, but I know it is necessary. I am not required to be in control. In fact, I am commanded to give up my control. Every part of my flesh wants to take control of my life and do what I think I want... what do I want?
In the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter what I want, because what God wants of me is far better than any of my own desires. I desire to desire to be surrendered to Christ, if that makes sense. Living and breathing by Him and for Him. I desire to spread the truth to those who don't know it, and to love those who have not been loved, through the awesome power of Christ.
Words are cheap. I need to do. To act. Thank God I don't have to do this on my own.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Certainly He IS
Empty...? No. Lost...? Hardly.
I may feel as though the world around me would crumble to pieces at any moment, but I do not hold the world together. I do not hold my world together, and for this I am eternally grateful. Without Christ I can do nothing, but with Christ, I can do all things.
I am tired. He will give me strength. I am lonely. His love is enough. I become entangled in sin. He untangles me when I turn to Him.
I am so thankful for this. Thankful that if I lose myself, I will find my identity. Thankful that I have joy unspeakable in any circumstance. Through all of my uncertainty about life, I am certain that He is all I need. I am certain that He has me. I am certain of His love.
He IS and has ALWAYS been and will ALWAYS BE.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Free
What is faith? It's defined in the dictionary as,
"Confident belief in the truth, value, or trustworthiness of a person, idea, or thing; belief that does not rest on logical proof or material evidence."
In a way, faith is the only way to have a peace of mind about anything. Jesus said we must have "faith like a child" in order to believe and trust in Him. Philosophers all over the world, in all different eras have attempted to explain life away... giving it human logic and reason. They've talked themselves in circles until death. Some have come so close to the truth, but have not accepted it , maybe because they were too open minded, and would not rule anything out. Maybe it was too hard for them to believe that something greater than their intellect, something unexplainable could be true. "Faith like a child."
I'm beginning to learn that there are so many different kinds of prisons. We are all kept locked tightly inside our own little prisons. We writhe around, attempting to set ourselves free to no avail. There is nothing on this earth that can break the chains that so entangle us. We cannot set one another free if we ourselves are locked up. The blind cannot lead the blind. But all is not lost. There is hope. Jesus died to save our lives, yes. But more specifically, He died to set us free from bondage. Sin has no power over me if I repent and trust in Him. I do not even have the ability to trust in Jesus without Jesus. I must first humble myself to admit that I am weak. Weaker than I know, and that He is strong.
I choose to run fiercely towards Him with everything that is in me. To throw my life into His hands in wreckless abandon. To fall into His strong grip, never to leave His embrace again. I choose to be rebuked and corrected with joy. I choose to accept this unbelievable gift of perfect love and forgiveness that covers ALL of my sins.
If the Son has set you free, you are free indeed.
"My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing, I will sing praises, even with my soul. Awake, harp and lyre; I will awaken the dawn!"
Come Alive
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Desperate
I wanna open up my eyes And see a more beautiful world. Let the hand of God Almighty Sweep his colors through my life. I wanna hold tight to the laughter, And ride it like a child, On the winds that billow joyful Through the sky. I wanna open up my heart, But you know, sometimes it's hard to find, Because I've buried it beneath the selfishness That I've hidden behind. I wanna stand my ground unshaken, I wanna tremble when I kneel, And let my song remain unbroken, Through the tears. -Andrew Peterson
I found this quote on a friend's profile. It captured exactly how I feel and struck me as beautiful.
I cannot be defined by anything other than Jesus Christ and still be whole. It seems impossible to live in this way... completely surrendered to God, in perfect trust.
There are times when a power surge of lies overcomes me, knocking me off my feet. One lie is easy enough to refute with the truth, but when a hundred hit me at once, I am overpowered. Helpless. In the midst of an unseen battle with clouds around my mind, I would be lost forever if it weren't for Him. The lies stem from my doubt and are increased by Satan. "You must be able to give something to God before He can give you the blessings He 'promised' He would give you." "You are worthless. A lost cause. Hopeless." "Stay down in defeat. Do not attempt to get up. It is not worth the pain. Stay down and close your eyes. Sleep. Forget truth. It is pain." LIES. All lies, and yet I cannot defend my cause against them. I am desperate for Jesus. I cannot breathe without His grace.
"We put no confidence in human effort. Instead, we boast about what Christ Jesus has done for us. ... I no longer count on my own goodness or my ability to obey God's law, but I trust in Christ to save me. For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith."
This is from Philippians 3... I think it's a paraphrase, but it made perfect sense to me. I no longer count on my own goodness or my own ability... I trust Christ. This is not to say that I am not responsible for choosing Christ, only admitting my weakness and my need for him.
"If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies, fulfill ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind." -Philippians 2:1-2
I learned about this verse yesterday in class. The word consolation comes from the Greek word "Paraklesis," which ends up translating to mean "to call beside" God offers the consolation, or protection a lawyer would give. When I am in an environment where I am afraid and do not have the knowledge necessary to defend myself. When I am not in control and am tossed around by things unseen, He is there, defending me. I am so comforted by this. I can rest in the middle of chaos knowing this.
"A mighty fortress is our God."
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Changes
Guess what??? In three short days everything is going to change. I'll be leaving people I love dearly, and seeing people I've missed for a long time. Well... a long time being three months. I am so full of emotion that I think I may burst. So many different kinds too... and some of them are polar opposites of each other. I am so thankful that in such a chaotic mind, I have at least One who is steadfast. One who I never have to miss or go on without, because the Lord will never leave me or forsake me. I am so jittery and tired and excited all in one. This season of my life is ending, and I am ready to begin the next, no matter what it may hold. I am excited to serve God in new ways and to grow and learn more in a different environment. I am so full of love for my Savior and I feel content and at peace, knowing that I am held, and that my purpose in life is being fulfilled. Aaannd I won't write anymore because I'm already all over the place as it is.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
A Small, Pathetic Complaint... and I'm Bored
You know what makes me mad? Well maybe not MAD, but genuinely annoyed... it's when someone introduces a song to me that I've never heard before, and I fall in love with it, and then the week after that it's all over the radio, and has a music video on VH1 and MTV, and I can't even savor it for what it meant to me when I first heard it. It's not even special anymore because everyone is singing it and it becomes so generic. Yeah... that's all.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
I <3>
So I was reading my blogs recently and I realized that I really pour myself out on here. Haha funny that it just hit me, because it's so blatantly obvious that by reading this stuff, you can know me pretty well. At first it frightened me, because who might be reading this? Anyone could if they really wanted to. I almost went and deleted most of my blogs so that I could pull back into hiding. It still is a little bit frightening to think that everyone has access to the very core of me. It's frightening until I remember that the core of me is now not in fact me, but Christ. It's true that this is merely a myspace blog and that chances are, it won't affect many people. It might even get a good laugh out of someone. I can't really help being intense about whatever I do. My friend Mary pointed that out to me after spending most of the summer with me. I am emerged in my faith, completely enraptured with Christ and what He's done for me. I can't get away from it. Lately it just seems to seep into my conversations and my daily living. Maybe I should not so easily bare my soul to anyone and everyone like I have been doing. Maybe it's childish or even dangerous, but maybe it will also encourage at least one person. Either way, I hope I turn heads in everything I do towards the One worth looking to. Wow... I rhymed... haha and I'm a dork.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Jesus Saves
It feels pretty late. I already went to bed early and woke up all confused about the time. I woke up with this achy homesick feeling. I get that sometimes. I'm listening to the song "I Can Only Imagine" It talks about standing in front of Jesus and what it will be like when we see Him face to face. Lately I've been struggling so much with my sin. I've been trying to make myself perfect before I go to God. He never said, "Clean yourself up, and then come to me." He says "Come as you are." Dirty and defiled... caked with the dirt and grime of sin we are beckoned to come before the King.
When I was at the beach this week, I was mulling over my sin, wondering what I could do to better myself. I was frustrated. Nothing I thought of was working. My mind runs away from me sometimes... sometimes it's bad, but I think God uses it for the good also.
Either way, while I was worrying about attempting the impossible, I saw myself in my mind before God. I was on the ground in filth and dirt and I could not stand up. I was so dirty and defiled that no one could look at me, and I was not recognizable. Even God could not look at me. I saw myself consumed by sin very visibly. My eyes were missing. They had been eaten out by flies which were now nesting in the sockets. My tongue was covered in worms. My hands were hard and crooked... deformed and repulsive to look at. My fingernails were yellow and ragged. Every part of my body was defiled. I was a wretch to behold, and I wanted to throw up when I saw myself. I was writhing in the filth, clawing at myself and wounding myself even more. Then He came. I flinched and prepared myself for His punishment, or even worse, for Him to turn away from me in discust as everyone else was forced to do. But He did not turn away from me. He kept His gaze on me. His expression was pained, but not discusted... angry, but somehow not with me. Then He did the unthinkable. He touched me gently and took the flies out of my eyes. He put them in His own. I watched in shock in amazement as He took the worms from my mouth and put them in His mouth. He took every single perverse and discusting disease and infection from my body and placed it on Himself. He became unrecognizable. The pain on His face deepened. I could not bare to look at Him anymore. I gazed at my feet in shame... they were clean. Amazed I inspected the rest of my body. Hands... clean. Mouth... new. Eyes... perfect. I was whole and clean and new and I was perfect. I was standing. Falling to my knees before this One who had every right to leave me to die, my body shuddered with sobs. Thankful sobs from a wretch to her precious Savior.
We are a crooked and depraved generation. Covered in sin we do not even see, we are wretched without Jesus. I have never committed what people would call "a huge sin." I have lived a "good" life, but it is not enough. Without Jesus I am just as evil as a murderer. You are just as evil as a murderer without Jesus. We are all broken and defiled. God cannot even look at sin. We cannot be in His presence without first having been cleansed by Jesus' blood.
Jesus Christ died to save us from sin. He lived on earth and experienced life as a human for over 30 years before He was killed on the cross. When He was crucified, He did not only die, but He took upon Him every single sin I have ever committed. Every single sin you have ever committed. He became our sin to save us from it. A free gift of life. We have only to follow Him to receive it. Jesus did not remain dead forever. He rose from the dead 3 days after He was killed. He is alive now and His offer still stands. The price has been paid. We have only to die to ourselves and to follow Jesus to receive the gift He has offered us. Will you follow Jesus?
"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it. For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and forfeit his life? For what can a man give in return for his life?" -Jesus- Mark 8:34-37
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Life is Fragile
I just found out that another guy I know from school passed away. It shocked me. Death is not something that is familiar to me. It has never struck close to home. I have been very fortunate not having to part with anyone I know and love. This news left me feeling shaky and grateful that I have escaped one more time the aching feeling I know I will one day have to face. I pray for his family and friends. For the comfort that I know one day I will need.
Life on earth is fleeting. It can end in an instant. So unexpected. The future is unknown. I live knowing that I am secure, even in death. I have been redeemed and saved by Jesus Christ and I know that even after death, my life will go on with Him. Are you sure of this? Have you heard the message of Jesus Christ? If not, I'm open to talk about it with you. I'll write more later.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Vacation at the Cape :)
I sit and await the beauty that in moments will come bursting through a thin line on the horizon. Sitting by myself on the faded beach towel, I shiver with anticipation. I look around me. There is no one. I sit and listen. All is silent, but the gentle swishing of the waves against the silky, fine-grained sand. The life guard chair looms white and vacant; a ghostly reminder of the masses of people that pass through each sunny summer day. It gives off no shadow. The golden sun in all its glory has not yet shown itself. My eyes are again directed towards the horizon. I cannot allow myself to miss this miraculous occurrence. A trace of gray is born. In minutes, no, seconds, I begin to see traces of pinks, purples, reds, oranges... the colors multiply quickly. They could not be duplicated. Not even by a photograph. Pure colors of light reflect off the crystalline water. They light up the sand, and the mica in the sand gives off a radiant glow. My bare arms, which were covered in goose-bumps only moments ago, begin to warm. My eyes dance as I take in every possible feature of this creation. The sound of the melodic swishing of water intertwines with faint sea-gull cries in the distance. My shadow joins me, and watches just as intently as I do. The smell of clean, saltiness perfumes the air. My face lights up as the sun itself rises above the frothy waves. The tide is lowering, and the sun shines directly through the curling, foamy waves. I rise. Eyes, still fixed on the horizon, I walk to the water. I watch until its impossible to watch anymore. My eyes burn, but its worth it. Closing them, I smile to myself, spreading my arms out wide, and turning in circles. After all, there is no one here. Only me, the wide expanse of shore, and my Creator who I know is smiling to see me enjoy what He has created. Acting like a child, I skip and splash and laugh and sing praises to the One I love. The sun is fully risen. I gaze at it for a few moments, but am forced to look away from the brightness. Dizzy with energy, and from gazing at the molten fiery sun, I run into the waves, and dive into the gentle cool water. It surrounds me, and I let it carry me wherever it wishes. A swell of water moves towards me, growing bigger and bigger. My pulse quickens, as I let it carry me towards the shore. I am in the curl. The power of the wave overwhelms me, and I tumble over and over towards shore. Recovering from the ride, scoop my hair away from my face, and rinse off. I run back to my towel and let the sun dry me off. The water is now a glassy blue, and the sand is hot on my bare feet. I hear voices. My family is making their way towards me, carrying umbrellas, coolers, and every kind of sand activity possible. This is a good day.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
My Friend is Married and it's Raining in My State....
So I'm gonna write in bright colors today because it's dismal out, and I'm going to pretend it's not. Going to NC for Jess' wedding was unreal... the sun, the beach, the people... I had a great time. It was hard for me to see her get married though. I think it's mostly because she's the first to go in my little group of girls that I'm close to. I dunno... there's just somewhat of a camaraderie between us all that now is broken. It's a very good thing, in fact, it's a joyful part of life, but it's a little painful to kick it off. I hope the next wedding doesn't leave me feeling so unprepared and helpless. I feel like there is this underlying question in us all, wondering "who's next?" and "is this ok?" Fear of the unknown is ever present and I'm attempting to conquer it. By God's grace I will learn to trust him, and to live in His perfect love without fear... that's all I have to say about that.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Tempers
Tempers... they are beasts... they are alive and thriving in my house, threatening to surface at any given point in time. It is stifling and wearing. I cannot say the "wrong thing" for fear of a temper, and no one else can say the "wrong thing" to me for fear of my own beast within. This is no way to live. We need deliverance. Jesus, begin with me. Tear my beast to pieces. Attack it with a vengeance, destroying it forever. Replace this raging beast of a temper with You; replace it with patience, kindness, grace, and love. The desire of my heart that runs the deepest is to become like You. I cannot do this on my own. I need You desperately for everything.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Sunny with a HIGH of 75
The sun is out again. It's glorious.
Recently, I have been greatly encouraged to find that God will use me if I allow him to. I prayed that God would not allow me to fall into despair again this summer, and that He would use me for His glory in any possible way He is willing to. Well... opportunities have arisen, and my only responsibility is to obey and to act. I'm still struggling with allowing God to take all the credit for everything good in me, and I become frustrated when I realize I'm still human. All this I am surrendering to the Father. I do believe that this is the "abundant life" promised. Complete surrender to God is the only way to find myself.
Aside from all this, I am learning to love people. Everyone, really, from people I don't even know to my immediate family. I think God is teaching me what real love is. I watched part of a movie with my mom the other day. In it a wise old man tells his daughter that love is not the excited feeling, the rush, or the butterflies, but what is left over after all of that disappears. Love is not self-seeking. I do not yet know how to love like this, but I am being shown how. The best example I have is Christ's love for me. I just read Psalm 45 today, and verse 10 says, "Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house. The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." Christ's love for me runs deeper than I can comprehend, and I am amazed to find that he is "enthralled" by my beauty. Realizing this, I abandon everything to His cause, honoring Him as best as I know how. The best way to learn how to love is to fall deeply in love with the One who is perfect.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
all about the love
It's good to do a little self-evaluation every now and then. It's even better to listen to what people say about your character. Lately I've noticed a lot of problems with my character. It stings to realize, and hurts all the more to openly admit that there is a problem, but in the end I know it's worth it. I've found that I love people at my convenience. It's easy to love someone when they love you, or when they do nice things for you, or even when someone is just plain good at having a good time in general. But to really get to know someone along with their vices and their petty problems, and to continue to love them through that... that is what's worth something.
I've discovered that I quit loving people far too easily. I am quick to judge, and to point out problems (especially hypocrisy) while I myself am not fixing my own problems. Jesus wasn't kidding when He said that we should take the log out of our own eye before we attempt to remove the speck from someone else's. I don't know anyone who particularly enjoys this process, but I am glad I'm going through it again. It seems when you pray for humility, you get a whole lot more than you thought you asked for.
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
suuunnnshhhiiiinnneee
Sooo it's definitely been raining in Mass ever since I got here. Not much of a welcome. Half the state is flooded and schools are even closing. But today the sun came out for 10 minutes. It was seriously the most exciting thing that has happened to me since I got home. I never appreciated the warmth of the sun as much as I did for the ten minutes that I was enveloped in it today. It was heavenly.
It's funny because wherever I go, I ache for people that I miss. I am so glad to be where I am, though. Philippians 4:11-12 has been in my mind a lot lately:
"Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."
I have found that everywhere I go, there I am. I can't escape myself, and I can't escape my situation, so I am learning to be content in it. Not complacent or lethargic, but at peace with where I am. It is an amazing place to be.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Home
I came home. I feel so peaceful about it. It was what I needed to do. I feel so refreshed. Spending time with my family has never been more appreciated.
I think sometimes I try to make life too hard for myself. I think it has to be complicated and difficult, when Jesus said "my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." I don't know what part of that I missed... I guess all of it. Either way, I feel alive, and ready to be used for a purpose.
I have been praying and seeing prayers answered. All my life I have prayed that God would use me, and lately, I have been seeing ways He can and has been using my life to bring Him glory. I also pray that God would show me areas in my life that I need Him to fix. This prayer has also been answered, painfully, but joyfully received. I am growing to be more like Him. It is exciting and revitalizing.
Lynchburg... see you in the fall!
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Homesickies
I'm pretty homesick. It's mostly in the back of my mind, but every now and then I get that stabbing achy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I wonder why I'm here at all. Is there anywhere I'm supposed to be? The answer can't be what I "want" because the truth is, I don't know what I want at all. Some days I want to be here in Lynchburg, Virginia, and other days I feel trapped here and I wish I were home.
Home. Where is that? I know that I'll always belong in my family, but I have this nagging thought that I will have to leave eventually... that I am leaving now, bit by bit. Independence seems like the thing to look foward to at this age, but independence frightens me. I'm not responsible. I'm not grown up. I feel like a little girl caught up in an adult world. Is that allowed?
There are so many things I would love to change about myself. I wish I were always level-headed and much less emotional. I am deeply moved by small things. Maybe too sensitive for my own good.
Anyway, through all of this, I know I am held. I wish God were tangible. That I could see Him and feel Him hold me safe. I wish He had eyes that could look into mine, conveying the depth of His love for me. Maybe it's my eyes that can't see His. Either way I wish I could see him.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Sometimes I Long For Black and White
Life is never black and white. I learn more about that every day. I wish the two colors were always separated. I wish there were lines between them. I hate it when they bleed into one another to make a muddy gray that no one can decipher. There is only one constant thing in my life, and that is God. The Creator. The Savior. Jesus Christ. I am comforted to know that there is a constant that I can count on. I sometimes wish that I could be black or white. Made up of one consistency that never contradicts itself. I long to understand myself and other people. It is sometimes frightening to have someone your eyes have never seen hold complete control of your life. I fear God, but I trust Him. I feel safe with Him, but I would never dare go against Him. I have abandoned my life to His cause, and willingly accept whatever end I may meet because of this. I have faith in God that I have salvation... eternal life with Him. I know that He works for the good of those who love Him, however it is hard to remember these things when you are in the rage of battle between good and evil. It is hard to remember who my master is when my selfish desires overwhelm me like a flood. I sometimes wish I just knew and understood everything.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Freakin Frustrated
I'm so frustrated with myself. I am so closed off and safe. I am not satisfied with this. Loneliness creeps in when I think too much. And I think too much. I want to abandon myself to someone. First to God, and then to a person. I want to make someone exceedingly happy for the rest of our lives. I want to serve them and love them and give them everything I have. But the fear of being hurt is too great, and I will not allow myself to get close to being in that position. I will not be vulnerable. Ever. I am young and I have time... I don't need to find romance now. But I'm afraid that I'll continue to grow stronger and harder until no human will be able to break through. I hope I'm not hopeless.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
Nothing Worth Saying
I'm learning a lot about words these days. They can mean so much and so little all in one instance. I talk too much. My feelings come out in words, but my feelings change so quickly that my words contradict themselves. I want to be consistent in what I say and do. I want my actions to match up with my words. It would be so nice if I could just be perfect. The struggle to be good and right is intense and wearing. Just to admit that I cannot be perfect on my own is a struggle. Giving that up to God is humbling. I need to be humbled. I need to know what is important in life. Serving myself, and creating synthetic joy is draining. I am not satisfied by it. My entire being thirsts for pure un-marred joy, and longs for perfect peace. In order to gain these, I must first be humbled. It is well worth the struggle. Some things are worth the risk. My desire is to be a risk-taker. To live without fear. To stand firm with complete confidence in God.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Ode to Mr. Darcy
I just watched the best movie that I have ever seen... Pride and Prejudice. It is now my favorite movie, and I'm buying it tomorrow and watching it again. Mr. Darcy is one of the main characters in the movie, and he is quite possibly the best example of a man that I have ever heard of. I don't even care if I am a stupid girl who enjoys romantic chick flicks... this is an exception. It put me in the most revoltingly giddy mood ever.
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Where they are
Tonight was a good night. I want to write about it while it's still fresh in my mind. I've always wanted to share life experiences with the people I went to highschool with. I have a lot of things I want them to know, and I want to know so much more about them. I care deeply for these dear new englanders. I would go as far to say I love them. Tonight I went where they were. Instead of waiting for them to come to me, I went, and it was liberating. I held true to my faith... to my God. Although I didn't blend in with everyone, I was still with them, and I think they appreciated this. I went to see a local band, which was amazing, and almost got kicked out for "under-aged drinking," which I found ridiculously funny considering the fact that I've never drank in my life. We all got a good laugh about it. I want these friends to know that I love them dearly, but also that the One who created them loves them much more deeply than I ever could. Though I'm not exactly sure how I can get this message across, I think spending time with them is a start. Besides I enjoy them. Each of these friends has left an impression in my life that will last.
If you're reading this and we hung out at the OSB concert, thanks for a good time :)
Well enough thinking for the night... I have to travel tomorrow.... or today, rather. :-/
"In Him was life and the life was the light of men." ~John 1~
Monday, March 13, 2006
Warm Weather Where Art Thou...
So, I love Massachusetts.... in July. It's sunny and warm and my family is here.... it's just great. But in the middle of March? Not so good. I'm really struggling with being away from friends and being bored in my house with nothing to do, and worst of all.... no sun. I'm beginning to realize how pathetic a person I am. I allow my surroundings to control my feelings. Sure, I'll serve people with a good attitude when things are going my way, but when things aren't great, my attitude quickly backslides into a lonely apathetic mess. I'm praying that I will be used here even through my apathy.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Everyone knows it's hard to grow up...
It's funny to reminisce about the things you knew and the things you know now. I am in no way claiming to know much of anything as of now, however, to think of how much I thought I knew and how little I actually did know amuses me. I'm reading a book that is impacting my life and influencing the way I think. "Knowing God" by J.I. Packer. My idea and understanding of God is growing bigger every day. I am beginning to live my faith. It is incredibly freeing... well, more later.... I have some mischief to get into... ;)
Saturday, February 18, 2006
steroids suck
I'm such a stubborn girl. I hate realizing I'm wrong. I pray that God would show me things that I need to change, and then when I see them, I cringe. I'm so thankful that God is faithful to answer my prayers, but I so easily forget how difficult the answers can sometimes be. I had been reduced to nothing, and was in complete dependence of God. Once things started going well again, I logically figured that it must have been me who made things go well. I must be a pretty damn good person. I'm not. I am nothing, He is everything. I hope I never forget that... it will be my destruction if I do.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
bleh
I'm pretty run down. I feel so useless and lazy because I haven't been able to do anything for a few days. Being sick is so frustrating. I want to do so much, and I have a lot of responsibilities, but I can't keep up with them all. Growing up is hard. Sometimes I long for the days when my biggest problems were scraped knees and sharing toys. I miss my family. I hate feeling helpless. This reminds me again how weak I am. I can't live without God's grace. I literally need him for everything. I can't wait to feel better.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
I hate it when someone's telling me something i don't want to hear, and they're right
Here I go again, analyzing everything. My friend says that I overthink. Yes, it's true, I do. I made a joke and said that I'm afraid to date. She had to go and turn it into something serious and tell me that I'm afraid to love. And I am. She says that sometimes it's only because of pain that we cherish beauty. Then she listed everything that would not have happened if it had not been for pain. "God has carried you through all that, what makes you think He can't do it again?" is something she asked me. Another thing she said was, "You may get angry and ask God why He's doing this or that, and all the while, God is saying, 'can't you see... I held you... I hugged you... I carried you... that was one of My most intimate moments with you...' sometimes what we see as hard tragedies, God sees as pivotal points in our relationship with Him." I'm tired of being afraid. It's wearing me ragged. I'm falling in love with the One I know I can trust. Maybe soon He'll teach me how to love other people like I love Him... and maybe I'll learn to love Him even more than I know how to now.
Philippians 4:11-12Not that I speak in regard for need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content. I know how to be abased and I know how to abound. Everywhere and in all things I have learned both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Funny Thing
So, funny thing... I was reading in Psalms yesterday, and it was really good... it usually is... Anyway, this time, I guess I was in a funny mood or something, and I started thinking, "Wow... David would have fit right in here at Liberty. He probably would have scored a ton of chics too, if he played those psalms on the circle with his little harp and lyre... that'd be some pretty tough competition for all those Youth Majors out there." (if you read this and are offended because you are a youth major, please know that I am not against your major. However, if you are a youth major, or any other major for that matter, and play guitar on the circle for the sole purpose of picking up cute freshmen, I feel I have the right to poke a little bit of fun at you.)
*just a thought*
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Greater than I know
So I've been going to church every day this week because of Spiritual Emphasis Week. I've been praying that I wouldn't get numb to hearing messages, because that's what has happened to me in the past. Last night was really good, and my eyes were opened to the fact that my view of God is too small. The story of Abraham has been randomly brought up a lot in my life lately. God promised Abraham generations of offspring too great to count when he was well into his nineties. When all hope seemed gone, Abraham still believed, and God kept his promise. The Israelite nation was born out of Abraham. I want an Israelite nation. I want God to use me in such a way that would seem impossible. My favorite verses in that story are Genesis 15:5-6,
"And he brought him outside and said, 'Look toward heaven and number the stars, if you are able to number them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.' And he believed the Lord, and he counted it towards him as righteousness."
I can just imagine staring up at the millions of stars before any city lights had been invented, awstruck and amazed that I am conversing with their Maker. God is faithful, and I am learning slowly how to trust in Him with everything I have. I am also praying that He would let me see his greatness.
Monday, January 23, 2006
my God is great
There are just some surprises in life. When I meet a person, I immediately make up a story in my head of what they are like. I rate them on a scale, comparing them to an ideal that I made up myself. Its horrible. I think the correct term for it would be judging. I am a broken person. Every day I battle with myself trying to be good. I dont deserve to be loved by anyone, and yet the Creator of romance itself is in love with me. He is pursuing me, stealing my breath when I least expect it. I love my mornings here at school. I get up extra early every day and sit and eat breakfast with my bible and my journal, and with Jesus. I have been engulfing myself in his Word, and it has been enthralling. Every now and then a wave of loneliness hits me. Im not sure why it happens, and I usually assume its because I havent found the one yet. You know, the one man whos going to sweep me off my feet and live happily ever after with me. I was talking to my friend today, and he went to the Passion Conference this year. He told me that one of the speakers spoke on this topic. He said that the burning desire in each of us to find the one is often misinterpreted. A human being will never fill that spot. We may find an amazing person, and I honestly hope that I do, but the deepest spot of longing is reserved for God and God alone. Nothing else can fill that spot. But it doesnt have to remain hollow and empty!!! We can overflow with love and find comfort and satisfaction in the One we were designed for. I am amazed at this. I am amazed at my Creatorat his love that he cannot hold back from me. Haha wow Im so excited that I cant sit still!
Friday, January 20, 2006
I'm Home Alone!!! AAAaahh
So I'm officially off campus and living in an apartment. It's so weird. I like it 90% of the time... except now, when all my roomates are gone, and I forget who my friends are... that is, I forget who I'm close enough to call, and actually make plans to hang out with. The feeling is almost clausterphobic. (if that's even how you spell it) I really hope it gets normal soon. Still, I'm trusting God. I know that He gives me exactly what I need, and that He will be faithful and give me good friends. I don't think I would survive growing up if I didn't know I could depend so heavily upon Jesus. I have no idea how anyone would.
Friday, January 06, 2006
I'm aLiVe...
It's funny how fast I can go between feeling like a useless waste of space, and a girl with purpose and talent. Right now I feel so full of life that I can't sit still. I can feel my joy coming back. It had been gone for so long that I almost forgot what it felt like. I feel as though I've just come out of a coma, and I'm learning how to live again. It feels glorious. I am at peace knowing that I am here to love Jesus, and that He loves me more than I can understand.
"In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."
~John 1~
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
These are days of gray freedom... I'm supposed to be enjoying this
I'm pretty tired. Tired of doing the same thing over and over again, and tired of not knowing where I'm going in life. I'm mostly just tired of being alone. I'm so afraid of everything though. I ripped off this quote from a friend:
“Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?”-The Great God Brown by Eugene O'Neill
Father, make me bold. Give me vibrance and life. Let me love selflessly and without fear. Give me grace and patience and pure beauty... reflect in my life. Be evident. Without You in my life I would surely fade into gray until I lacked all definition. I need definition. Give me understanding and wisdom of anything. And please please please give me purpose. I know I already "have" purpose, but make it known to me so that I would never dare question the meaning or the value of my life.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Almost Christmas
Christmas is almost here... I'll be glad for the break. I've been a mess lately though because Jess is leaving and getting married. I'm so excited for her, but I feel like I'm losing her. And then there's my life... I don't know where it's going. I want to be in God's will, and be selfless and good, but it's so hard. I keep living for myself. Apathy is my worst enemy. I feel so lethargic sometimes. There's this nagging thought in the back of my mind telling me that maybe I'll always be that way. Lethargic and lazy. Supposedly it's a choice. Watching my friends fall in love is enjoyable, but it's a little lonely too. I know I'm not the only single person on the planet, but it feels that way every now and then. I don't really need a guy... I just miss companionship.
One awesome thing, though, is that I love life again. I was scaring myself for a while, but God is faithful, and I am being restored. Just knowing that I am deeply loved by the Creator of everything that exists gives me the chills. Haha, I have been telling everyone I know about my experience, and I have been delighted to find that other people feel the way I do, or are looking for what I have found.
Well, only a few days left of classes, and I'll be back in MA. I'm pretty excited to go back. It will be a good break from everything. If you're reading this, and you live in MA, I'll probably see you soon!!! yay!
Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding
I just left a friend's dorm room. She is very sick. She will not ever get better as long as she lives here. She is in constant pain. I am selfish and undeserving. Life baffles me. You baffle me. I cannot begin to wrap my mind around the fact that You never began, let alone the fact that You will always be. I do not understand how big the universe is. My world seems big enough, yet it is nothing compared to what You have created. You have un-ending knowledge. You have a plan. It is wrong of me not to trust You and Your plan. I am realizing that I need You more desperately than I knew. Or that I know. I do not feel complacent in the knowledge that I have already. I crave wisdom and discernment. I desire to understand. It makes me angry to see my friend, an amazing person, suffer so greatly. I hurt deeply for her. I would gladly take her pain if I could. But You did not choose me to carry such a burden. I cannot see the big picture. My vision is skewed. I ache for my friend. I see her pain, but not the purpose of it. Through this ache I trust You. You are God and I am not. Your plan is perfect. I trust You with everything I have, or think I have. I trust You, Father. I trust You.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
I want my mom
Yeah, so I figured that getting homesick was for freshmen, and that this year would be all about independence. Well, I want my mom. I can't wait to give my family the biggest hugs ever, to get driven around by my newly licensed younger sister. Just hanging out in my own house sounds like a dream. It feels like it's not real, and I'm stuck living in my cement walled prison room. Ok, so I'm being a bit dramatic... the room's nice, and I have great friends. This semester has been so hard, in ways I didn't expect. I'm so glad I serve a God of grace who is patient with my many weaknesses and flaws.
Oh yeah, and today is beautiful. That fall smell is back. :-) So that's good.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Meeting girls on the internet should be abolished
guys who try to meet girls online need to go outside of their dorms and walk up to them and say "hi." It's not that hard, and to my abounding knowledge, no boy has ever been killed by doing this. In fact, the outcome is usually quite good, and some people have even lived happily ever after after doing this. If you are of the male race and are considering meeting, asking out, or proposing to a lady, I would highly reccommend the face to face approach.... haha... but seriously
Thursday, August 18, 2005
it's late
it's late, and i'm in the weirdest mood. maybe it's this country song i'm listening to... all about two people falling in love... what else?
i feel like all those dreams i've made up since i was a little girl couldn't ever come true. i wonder if i have too many expectations for love... i just want real love. i want a guy to chase me until i cave in, and i want to fall head over heels when i finally do cave in.... oh and one more thing. i want to stay in love with that person forever, and i want him to stay in love with me. i don't really care if we're rich or poor, and i don't really care where we live. i just want to spend the rest of my life doing whatever my purpose is with him... i want to be able to grow with him, and to fight and work things out... i dunno i just want for it to last and for it to be real, and good, and pure.
i told you i was in a weird mood. :-P
that's enough writing for me... goodnight
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Beautiful Day!
Today is so beautiful!!! The sun is shining and there are those little puffy white clouds scattered all over. It's pretty warm too! (thank You, Jesus!) So today is my "last minute" day. I've procrastinated until I could procrastinate no longer, and now I am sitting here at my computer trying to write a paper. Very fun... very me. I tried out for campus ministry teams yesterday. Tryouts went well, but I won't expect anything. Hundreds of people try out for those! And most of them are very talented. Whatever God has for me will be amazing! I'm trusting His judgement. He's been so awesome to me this year... I couldn't ask for anything else. Yesterday kinda sucked. I was dead tired the whole day, and to top it off, I cried in front of everyone at the cafeteria. We won't get into that story. Not embarrassing at all. But today is making up for it. I got to go to Walmart with Adam, Ben, and Em, and Em pushed me all around while I rode in the shopping cart. If that wasn't immature enough, I was wearing pig tails. It was so fun though. "here's your Tresseme, Ben" haha! Well my paper calls... nasty. Have a blessed day everyone!
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