Last Summer

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Romantic Reflections... or Not...

If ever there was a romantic place, it would be the Cape. I'm sure my childhood has something to do with it, but I swear there is something in the atmosphere. Last night we heard a concert going on at the commons, and so we practically skipped up the street to see what we would find. It was a jazz band playing swing, and I was dying to dance. Instead I watched fifteen or twenty little kids lose themselves to the music in their spins and their cartwheels. Even the air is sweeter here. There are hundreds of flowers everywhere I go, and the scent seems to follow me. I look forward to the time of life that I will come across these kinds of experiences with a close companion... dare I hope? Seeing my parents together gives me tender hope and also dread of this phenomenon. Is it worth it?
I've been on a lot of walks this week. I've walked for miles and miles all by myself. It's been a welcome rest (for my mind... my legs would say differently). Time to think and pray alone is such a relief, yet also a struggle. It isn't easy to face certain things I would rather ignore. Sometimes ignorance seems easiest, but it is never best. I am convinced of that. I hope that I can learn to be honest in life. I think that I am, for the most part, but there is always the fear that I could convince anyone of anything, this being an art I don't really wish to possess. Perhaps this is one of my greatest fears about falling in love. Falling in love requires a lot of vulnerability, and absolute honesty. I think I am decent at both (but what do I know?), yet so much more is required in that kind of a relationship. When two people are vulnerable and honest, forgiveness is required. A lot of forgiveness. I am learning this with people in general. Real relationships, friendships, family, etc. require much grace that I do not possess on my own.
I am growing in my gratefulness and fear of the undying love of Christ. It is so fierce, so relentlessly good and whole. Though I cannot and never will wrap my tiny mind around it, I know it is enough. I am hoping and praying that it would become intertwined so deeply into myself that I actually resemble Him from the deep parts of my soul. I think He works this out in ways differently than I would expect. It seems to go in a small, quiet way, as opposed to the lightning bolts and fireworks I often anticipate. And I do not think I will end up looking the way I often expect to look either. After all, Jesus didn't come to Earth in glorious splendour... a cold, dirty stable was His first home, and then, even later in life, He was homeless...