I often wonder whether or not I truly depend solely on Christ and on Him alone. I know the answer is clear- He is responsible even for the breath in my very lungs, but do I as a human being, having been offered this beautiful gift of life- do I really rely on the Giver of this gift? The glaring answer has become more apparent over the last fifteen days. Temporarily, I have been stripped of most things I depend on.
Graduation happened in a flurry of events, family came and left, friends moved away for the summer, and the man my heart has grown to love left with my best friend to float down the Amazon River on a medical missions trip for seventeen days. I am on day fifteen of the seventeen. All of this happened simultaneously. It was as if the Saturday and Sunday of graduation weekend were in fast forward, and when Monday hit, time stopped. I felt numb. No classes to worry about, no close friends or family near, no dinners to plan, no people to drive; only myself and the Lord; I felt so alone.
My emotions have been all over the place, and I have been everything from bored to literal tears to over-worked and exhausted since that day, but one thing has remained consistent. The steadfast love of the Lord endures. He has drawn me into the desert to be with Him, and though I at times fight or ignore His whispers, I am learning to let go of my loneliness and to sit at His feet.
It's funny to find out what I find my worth in. Time alone has offered me a chance to really face this. For example, I tend to be that "nice" person who over-commits in time toward helping the people who need it. I wear myself thin "serving the Lord" on a regular basis. Had I never been told about grace, I would be the one killing myself trying to work for salvation and forgiveness. The Lord would have none of that over these past couple of weeks. He has literally forced me to give up. He hasn't even allowed me to do much to serve other people- no one has needed anything. Prayer has really become my only means of service at this point. I think in most cases, that could be used as an excuse, but the Lord seems to have different ways of working in His children than we expect. He wants them to be healthy and whole, and He wants them to sit still every once in a while- more than I would ever think to be necessary.
I still feel crazy every now and then. I still freak myself out when I catch myself talking out loud to an empty house. I am still incredibly thankful that this period of time in my life is about to come to an end, but I will never forget it. I will never forget the conversations I had in prayer before I drifted off to sleep, or the silent mornings that I shared with the Lord sipping coffee and soaking up nourishment from His word. I will need to be reminded again and again in life, but for now, I am learning that my worth exists without everything I try to add to it. I am worth something because the Creator of the world says I am. He spoke my life into existence, and because I exist, I am worth more than I know. I am learning more about His love, and my need for it. And maybe... just maybe I am learning a little bit more about being still.
"It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes." -Psalm 118:8-9
"The LORD is my strength and my song, and He has become my salvation." -Psalm 118:14
